Someone asked me recently - knowing what my answer would be, of course, "Does kink belong at Pride? And followed it up with, "To what extent? With what limits?" So of course I decided to write about it. I'm using the term Queer a lot in this one, and in this case I'm using it as an umbrella term to cover folks who are gay, lesbian, trans, bi, pan, poly, kinky, of all different sexualities, of various gender identities... all the colors of all the rainbows. All the people who are part of Pride.
For context, every year for Pride Month, there are some folks that will very loudly state their opinions that Pride is a family-friendly event, and thus kink attire and behavior are not appropriate at a Pride Event.
I'm not going to do a history lesson here - they've been better done by people who can give you lots of details, and you can find them with a simple search - but Pride Events are, at heart, an echo, honoring a bunch of riots, protests, and demonstrations by the Queer community - generally lesbian, gay, and transgender folks, often who were also people of color - starting back in 1969, and continuing since.
Pride Events are also a celebration of the freedoms, rights, and advances that we, the queer community, have slowly won for ourselves. An acknowledgement of how far we've come from when you could be part of a motorcycle gang, but not openly gay and kinky. When two 'dear friends, both spinsters' could live together as roommates, but never call each other 'love' in front of people, or even hold hands in public. When others would whisper about us behind their hands. And honoring the fights still in progress - the rights of trans folk to use the bathroom, or play sports.
And Pride Events are a party, proclaiming our gayness and our queerness and embracing being queer all together, without hiding or masking. A time and place where being outside the norm IS the norm. A place where you can wave or wear your flag, and be around other people who are like you, knowing they are happy you exist, too - that's a powerful thing.
All of these are Pride. And all of these are important to share with everyone, not just other adult queer-folk, but with allies, and with our communities, and with children who need to grow up learning that not everyone fits in the boxes of heteronormativity.
So the first question would be, "Should Pride be family-friendly?" Or, "Should Pride be open to everyone, even if they aren't queer?" My answer to both is certainly YES.
First of all, queer folk have families. Gay folk can get married. Poly folk can live together raising children. Norm-passing queer folk are all around. Being queer doesn't mean being alone - queer folks have families, who are often more queer-folk, but not always. We have brothers, sisters, parents, and children. We have our chosen families and communities around us. Our families should celebrate and party with us, too.
Celebrating being queer with other people who are queer is incredibly important. But demonstrating being queer in front of people who are not queer is also important. The only way heteronormative people learn to accept and support the queer community is by seeing it and getting to know people who are queer. Pride is an event for making more allies.
Young folk who may be queer can't discover this about themselves unless they are exposed to enough knowledge to realize it's an option. Young queer people who recognize that they aren't alone, and have queer communities as a place they can belong, are safer and happier.
That leads us into the question of, "Does kink belong at Pride?" and, "To what extent?"
I want to differentiate two kinds of Pride events. There are definitely some Pride events that are considered not really family-friendly, with a lot heavier helping of kink, things like the Folsom Street Fair. Folsom is a BDSM/leather-specific event for San Francisco's Leather Pride Week, not just general Pride Month. The area and the event has its own history. Most Pride events are not BDSM/leather-specific events, and for those that are, they aren't the kind I'm talking about here.
The ones I'm addressing are the events that are definitely family-friendly, with parades and vendors and lots of people coming to party from all over the area, like the one in my hometown. For a family-friendly typical Pride Event, then, should kink be included? Absolutely, and for the same reasons I've stated above.
A large percentage of the people I've talked to who are new to kink thought for a long time they were the only ones who had these thoughts, and just knew there was something wrong with them - something very different. What if they had known all along they were just kinky, and there was a community for them?
Kinky folk should have the same chance to celebrate who they are without having to hide. To openly be themselves. In public! Around people who accept them!
Also, there's a lot of overlap between people who are kinky and people who are gay or bi or trans or poly or ace or... Kinky people fall all over the non-hetero-normative map. Why should we celebrate one facet of our differentness, but hide another? That's exactly what Pride is NOT about!
So that brings us to the question of HOW kink should be included in Pride. What's appropriate and what's not? And I would suggest we follow the same guidelines as we do with other identities at Pride.
Gay men wave wear leather vests and maybe kiss each other on the street, but they aren't blowing each other in public.
Lesbians wear butch clothing and wave a flag and proudly hold their lovers' hands on the street, but they shouldn't be wearing and waving around a strap-on at a family event.
Trans women wear dresses and makeup, and trans men may go shirtless, exposing surgery scars - but they aren't.... okay, I don't have a good one for this one. How the heck can trans folk being themselves be potentially family-offensive? I give up on that one.
Queer folk can dress in ways that indicate their identity, and wave a flag, and hold hands and kiss whomever is appropriate for their interests. But we aren't having sex in the street or exposing our genitals or doing illegal things in front of the non-queers.
Oh hey, that's an issue with consent, isn't it? You know who is super-big on consent issues? The kink community!
So yeah, kinksters should march in the Pride Parade. They should wear their leather, corsets, harnesses, Lolita dresses, kilts, and everything else. We should wave the Leather Pride flag around. They should even carry their crops and floggers and canes with them.
You know what we shouldn't do, though? Hit each other with those toys or dress down to the point of exposing genitals. We shouldn't play, 'Shock the Vanillas', because that's a terrible game that goes against all the consent awareness that our community is all about. So, yeah, display your kink without being inappropriate, just like other queer folks display their identity without being inappropriate:
- S&M enthusiasts can wear a leather harness and carry a flogger - but you know, don't flog somebody in the street.
- D/s folks can wear a collar and hold a leash to indicate their interest - but no sexual service at the event.
- Rope enthusiasts could, say, wear a rope harness or bracers on themselves - but no rigging a suspension from the street lights.
- Littles can wear their dresses and overalls and carry stuffies and suck on pacis - but no diaper changes in public. Vanillas take their babies into a bathroom for that, too.
- Breath control enthusiasts could wear their hoods - but don't stopper them up during the event (and be careful of your safety).
- Pups and handlers can wear their gear to show them off - but the street is probably not an okay place to have a wrestling scene with another pup.
- Trampling and foot fetishists can wear or carry their favorite boots or stilettos - but walk firmly on the ground for the parade.
- Whip tops can crack their whip and should wear their protective vests - but don't hit anybody with that whip.
- Furries can wear their fursuits (please hydrate and watch out for heatstroke) - but don't use any access ports that may be incorporated into those suits. You may find yourself hugging/being hugged by a lot of kids.
- Bootblacks can carry their gear with them - but... you know, what? This is a family-friendly kink activity. Polish some shoes - just keep it to service, not scene - maybe no licking the shoes.
- and so on and on and on
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