This presentation covers a lot of basic vocabulary and basic behavior standards that are common in my kink community. Your kink community may be a little different, but a lot of the basics will remain the same. Be sure to look around your community and identify your peers. There will be other people who are also new to this, and you can learn together. And there will also be more experienced people who can offer you some examples and insights that you can't get from other new folk.
I am Meronym. I've been involved in my local BDSM community since early 2009, and teaching kink classes since 2010. I am not a legal, medical, or psychiatric professional, so please don't take my information as anything more than advice from someone who has been around one particular kink community for a while. If you need professional advice, the NCSF provides assistance finding kink-aware professionals at www.ncsfreedom.org.
Let's start with some definitions. What is BDSM? Well, the letters actually stand for three pairs of words:
Many things that we do fall into one or more or all of these descriptions. A spanking, for instance, could involve holding someone down (B) while spanking them (S/M) as a punishment (D) for a broken rule (D/s). But not everything we do fits neatly into any of these categories.
Something that's common to people just entering the world of kink is a feeling that they are the only person who is into this weird thing. But there's really a huge community of people who are into the same weird things, as well as other weird things, too! You have a local community and a larger, even world-wide, community of people who share some common interests, or at least share the attitude that you should be able to explore those interests in a safe way.
But even if you live in a small out-of-the-way place, and you'll need to travel to get your public kink on, you probably have at least a few munches or sloshes in your area (or could start one).
If you're going to a munch, remember that you aren't there to shock anyone, just to make some friends. You should dress the same way you would if you were going to the restaurant to meet non-kinky friends. For instance, you probably shouldn't come in wearing a bunch of leather gear - unless you rode in on a motorcycle. Any collars should be discreet, and it isn't appropriate to have leashes attached to them.
One of the most exciting parts about a munch is that you're able to talk about kinky things without having to hide it from the people at the table with you. It's common to have one conversation about someone's car repairs or the latest sports event be side-by-side with a conversation about a flogging last night or a scene that you're planning. But because you're in a public space, remember that not everyone around is kinky. There may be families nearby, and the servers will be in and out of your space. So stay aware of these non-kinky people coming and going, and let that sports conversation get louder when they're nearby.
The easiest way to find a munch is to search for nearby events on FetLife. Or once you've found a group, there may be an email list or something where they are announced. If there is a way to RSVP, be sure to do so whenever possible. Restaurants aren't fond of groups that want a table for 'somewhere between 5 and 30 people'. Restaurants are, however, fond of groups that tip well and behave themselves, even if they do stay forever talking. It's hard to find a great restaurant for a munch; help ensure the restaurant will welcome your group back for future munches.
Speaking of munch groups behaving themselves, I really shouldn't have to say it, but I will - BDSM play is NEVER appropriate at a munch or a slosh. Don't wear fetish-wear to the restaurant, don't clip a leash onto someone's collar. Don't bring your new flogger in to show off. Don't put handcuffs on people out in the parking lot. And birthday spankings are not for restaurants. I have seen all these things happen at munches, and they are perfectly reasonable grounds for the restaurant to refuse to serve the group in the future. Save all these activities for the place where they are really welcomed - the play party at your local playspace.
Finally, we're going to talk about a public playspace! During my live presentation, I always ask the people attending what reasons they have for going to a public playspace, whether or not they are there to play. And the reasons are different for everyone.
Education is important in any kink community. Many communities offer classes, but you don't have to wait for a class to learn more about the things we do. Watch scenes that are going on, or ask someone to show you how to do something. Most kinksters are quite happy to show off their skill or their toys. You can improve the skills you have by getting some tips or by practicing. For instance, it's hard to practice throwing a whip in a house, but a dungeon's just the right space for it. You'll see things going on that you've never encountered before, or that you never thought of doing quite that way. Many playspaces periodically have 'sampler' nights where you can try a variety of kinds of play. Speaking of variety... that's my favorite part.
I have a huge need to do all kinds of different things with all kinds of different people. And a public playspace is great for that. I can play with women and men and groups and play as a top or bottom and it can hurt or not and be sexy or not and... Yeah, I love playing with all my friends. We joke that being friends with kinky people ruins you for non-kinky friendships. That's because with kinky people, a lot of those filters that we use in daily conversation can be dropped. We talk about all those things you don't say or do in 'polite company', and it's incredibly relaxing. So our kinky friends sometimes become our closest of friends. And there's such an interesting variety of kinky people!
Voyeurism - it's a huge thing at a public playspace. Some people only come to watch. I mean, really, Live Porn! And it's a good thing, too, because all those exhibitionists need someone to watch them. As a community, we love watching each other.
While hanging out with all our kinky friends, there's also a lot of entertainment. Many spaces have movie nights and game nights and other activities, either concurrent with or separate from play parties. Whether it's watching scenes, participating in scenes, or participating in other activities in the playspace, you can't beat the entertainment value of a public playspace.
The next aspect to look for in a scene is who is Dominant or Submissive. This one's harder to spot, because it's based on who is in control. It can be control for just the length of the scene or much longer, as an ongoing relationship.
The Dominant is the person that makes decisions and directs the action. Often they are the Top, but not always. The Submissive is the person who follows the directions of the Dominant. They agree that the Dominant will be in charge.
And as soon as you understand the whole "Are you a Top or Bottom? Are you a Dom or Sub?" conversation, someone will surely slip in the answer "I'm a Switch." That may mean they top sometimes and bottom other times, or it could mean that in some relationships they are dominant and others submissive. Or it could mean all of the above.
For instance, I mostly identify as a Dominant Bottom. I like to have people do certain kinds of impact play on me, the way that I want it done. I can easily direct the scene to please me the most. But that's not my only role. With my husband, I am a Submissive Bottom - he plays me the way he decides. But with my boyfriend, I am a Dominant Top - he likes being tied up, and I make the decisions on how that goes. So really, I act as a Switch/Switch.
Roleplay identities refer to the role someone takes on during play. Someone may take on the role of a child or a pet in Ageplay or Petplay. Or they might be a SAM - a bratty Smart-Ass-Masochist - like me! I may pick on my tops until they want to hurt me - it's a service I provide (all in good fun, of course). A service someone provides might provide an identity, too. Bootblacks take care of our leather items, and riggers are our rope tops. FemDom describes a particular type of relationship with a female dominant and male submissive. A voyeur likes to watch people play, and an exhibitionist likes being watched; both can have a particularly good time in a group setting!
There may be many labels that you could apply to yourself, all at once. One way to handle that is to use the label 'Kinkster'. To me, that means I am kinky and have a lot of interests. To someone else that might mean they are new, and know they are into kink, but not sure exactly what kind yet. And of course, the opposite of 'Kinkster' is 'Vanilla'. We have a responsibility to identify vanillas among our kinky friends so that we don't have conversations that are too much around them - they didn't consent to being part of our kinky lives.
And just to throw one more term in there - if you're new, and you're doing All The Things, you may hear someone mention 'frenzy'. That refers to when you're new to something, and you jump in with both feet and lots of enthusiasm, but not so much experience. It's an exciting time, but please be aware that when you are new, you just don't have the background to understand some of the risks you may be taking. You're likely to make some mistakes - ones that more experienced people would steer you away from, because they made them too. And those mistakes may contribute to your reputation.
It takes some time to understand what you do and don't like - and why. Or how you're likely to react to something, both immediately and over the following days. Some toys take time to learn to wield well, and learning how you heal - and how to help your body heal - also takes experience. So if someone points out that you may be frenzying, take note of the idea and maybe slow down a little - so you can have the most fun long-term.
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These slides with the blue titles indicate the most important concepts to remember from this presentation. They are about our Lifestyle Keys - the things that are really essential for kinksters to come together as a community.
When we talk about consent, the terms SSC and RACK often come up.
If you'd like more conversation about consent, visit the website for the NCSF. That's the organization that's really involved in protection the kink community (and other communities) in a legal/political sense.
In the vanilla world, we are judged and categorized by WHAT we are. What kind of job do you have? How much money do you make? What kind of car do you drive? Are you married/do you have kids? What religion are you/what church do you go to? All the kinds of things you could answer on a questionnaire. These things are WHAT you are. And these are things we in the kink community try not to care about, in the grand scheme of things.
We want to know WHO you are. Are you a top/bottom/switch? Are you dominant/submissive? Are you in a relationship and how do I respect your dynamic? What kind of play are you into? How much experience do you have? What's in your toybag? How do you negotiate? Can I trust you? How do you act online - are you respectful? foolish? knowledgeable? These things are WHO you are, and these are the things that take time for the community to learn about you.
One of the really great things about joining a kink community is that you get a clean slate to start with. We don't know anything about you, other than what we can glean from your appearance and what you choose to share. The identity you build for yourself comes from your personality, reputation, and experience. So decide WHO you want to be, and be that person.
Privacy is another aspect of Respect. When among other kinksters, many of us use a scene name, which is just a nickname chosen to identify oneself. Meronym is my scene name, and I use it as my FetLife ID, but it is also what other kinky people will call me when they see me. If you know someone's real name, but you're in a kink space, use their scene name, unless they've told you otherwise. That's one reason you'll see different behaviors in introducing one another in a kink space. You're more likely to hear, "Have you guys met? Please, introduce yourselves." That way, everyone can start off saying the name they'd like to be addressed by.
Along with names, some kinksters choose to keep their entire outside life separate from their kink life. All of those WHAT questions before... those are details that don't really impact what you do in the playspace, so they don't really need to be asked. If you're comfortable sharing that information, then you may, but others may choose not to. Try not to ask those WHAT questions (it takes practice), and don't feel bad about declining to answer them yourself if it comes up.
Privacy becomes even more of a concern when we leave our safe kink-spaces and run across each other out in the 'real world'. If you see someone outside a kink space, have some discretion. That person standing next to them could be a coworker or a family member that doesn't know about their kink life. If you walk up and say, "Hey KittyKat39, it sure was nice seeing you at the dungeon last weekend!", you've outed them, both by using their scene name and by mentioning the dungeon. Even if you just say, "Hey Gloria - nice seeing you last weekend", you're still taking a risk of outing them. What if Gloria is a scene name and not their real name? What if they had told everyone they stayed home all weekend? Or maybe they just have to handle the question, "Who is that person?" So be discrete. Often when kinky folk spot each other they'll just give a little head-nod, and then catch up later. Or exchange that nod, and then wave and invite someone over to your conversation if it's okay with you.
However, the most likely threat to your privacy in a kink space isn't the people there - it's Facebook. Facebook's algorithms are really good at putting together that you are often at a specific location every Saturday night, and this person over here is at the same location every Saturday night, so you guys must know each other. It puts you on each others' 'people you may know' list, and voila, you now know each other's real names.
You have to decide for yourself how kink-open your Facebook activity will be. Many people keep their Facebook completely vanilla, while others are very much out on Facebook. Don't assume someone wants to connect with you there, and don't feel obligated to connect with anyone just because they find you there, either. That goes for FetLife as well - use your social media in ways that benefit you, and you don't owe anyone a friend status on either. Just because you're friends at the club doesn't mean you need to be FetLife friends. And just because you're FetLife friends doesn't mean you need to be Facebook friends. However, nothing's stopping you from connecting, either.
So let's have a moment of frank reality. The things that we do carry some risks. Things we do in the context of a BDSM scene, if done non-consensually, in another context, would be assault. They would typically be aimed at harming someone. And the context of a BDSM scene does not render these activities magically risk-free. We take risks. And that means everyone involved needs to be aware of those risks.
At this point in my live presentation, I ask everyone who identifies as a Top (sometimes or all the time) to raise their hand. And I tell them, "You are responsible for looking after the safety of every person you play with. You have a duty to protect them." Then I ask everyone who identifies as a Bottom (sometimes or all the time) to raise their hand. And I tell them, "If someone gets harmed in a BDSM scene, it will probably be you. Don't you rely on your Top to look after your safety. You have a responsibility to yourself to make sure the scene is as safe as reasonable." Everyone in a scene must be looking out for the safety of the scene.
Other things you can do to improve the safety aspects of your scene... Be aware of how this scene may be different from the same type of scene at a different time. Is it particularly hot or cold or loud in the playspace tonight? That will affect your play. How about the people playing? How is everyone feeling, physically and mentally? The scene should adjust to fit how you are right now. Has anyone had any substances that might affect their judgement, pain tolerance, or blood clotting?
Whereas a Hard Limit is an absolute 'NO', a Soft Limit is more along the lines of "No, I won't do that. I mean, except in this special case". Soft Limits are things that you might rarely do, but in most situations they aren't even to be considered. Often, certain levels of sex/intimacy are Soft Limits. Certain toys are also often found on someone's Soft Limit list, or certain body parts they don't want played with.
Various types of Edge Play are often Soft Limits - a very good idea, as these are things you should think very carefully about and trust your partner for. When we talk about Edge Play, we are including anything that has an increased risk to the people participating in it. Edge Play activities are things that, under catastrophic failure, could result in death, not just a trip to the hospital. So they should be done more deliberately and with more education and preparation.
Some of my Soft Limits (your limits will be different from mine):
And just to round out the list, House Limits. Every place you play at will have their own limits of things that are and are not allowed. You need to find out what they are; public playspaces will often have them posted somewhere. Nudity is often covered, as there may be regulations the venue has to follow. If nudity is allowed, please carry a towel to sit on - don't put your bare genitals on anything other people will be touching. Sex/Penetration is often a factor - some places allow any kind of sex; some may not allow any penetration. Alcohol or drugs may or may not be present, especially at a house or hotel party. Remember that both affect your play. The presence of alcohol often is a factor in nudity and sex rules, too. And find out what kinds of play are and are not allowed.
Once you've studied up on your kink interests and safety, and considered what your limits and interests are, the next step is finding someone to play with. And that process can be similar to finding someone to date, but it's important to note that the relationships are different. So the next thing you must do is decide what kind of relationship experience you are looking for.
Some scenes are planned days, weeks, or even months in advance. But other scenes are pick-up play, decided upon spontaneously. Planned play means you can have all supplies ready and some sort of outline planned, and negotiations can be done at leisure and be more thorough. Pick-up play means that you'll get to play even without having something planned, and you can adjust to accommodate who is there and what's available, or be able to play with someone new or someone you didn't know wanted to play with you.
But let's say you get an informed, explicit, and engaged "Yes, I want to do The Thing with you." What's next? Then you plan and do The Thing! I have an entire presentation on Making a Scene, but let's cover it here quickly.
Negotiation. You'll start by deciding together what you're going to do. You both (or all) need to agree on where the boundaries are for your scene. Things you'll definitely need to negotiate:
- B/D - Bondage and Discipline - Physical Control
- Bondage includes tying someone up with rope, chain, saranwrap, etc. or otherwise restraining their physical movements.
- Discipline refers to spanking, punishments, and things in that realm, or things that physically reward or punish someone.
- I also like to think of Discipline as a referring to the self-discipline needed to responsibly participate in this kind of behavior.
- D/S - Dominance and Submission - Mental Control
- The Dominant controls the Submissive by giving orders and by setting up behavior protocols and restrictions.
- The Submissive agrees to follow these rules and orders, and allows the Dominant to control them.
- S/M - Sadomasochism - Sensation Play
- Sadism and Masochism, are about physical sensations, from light to heavy, pleasant to painful.
- Control is not a significant element here, just the physical effects.
- Not to be confused with the psychiatric disorders related to sadism and masochism, sadomasochism in this context refers to consensual behaviors only.
- The terms come from two people - the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
Many things that we do fall into one or more or all of these descriptions. A spanking, for instance, could involve holding someone down (B) while spanking them (S/M) as a punishment (D) for a broken rule (D/s). But not everything we do fits neatly into any of these categories.
So instead we talk about BDSM, Fetish, and Kink as an umbrella description of lots of activities. The common thread is that these activities and interests fall outside the accepted norm for most our society - lots of 'weird interests'. Take a look at the list above. I bet at least one of those is something that interests you. Maybe a bunch of those things interest you, or just a few.
Some of these things have aspects of physically or mentally controlling one another, and some have aspects that involve sensation-play. Some of the things listed inherently include sex (it's hard to have Sex Play without sex). But some of these activities don't involve any of those things - or at least, they don't require any of those things. Your kink is specific to you and your play partner(s). Include control, or don't. Include pain, or don't. Include sex, or don't. Touch on as many different activities as are interesting to you and the person or people you play with.
Some of these things have aspects of physically or mentally controlling one another, and some have aspects that involve sensation-play. Some of the things listed inherently include sex (it's hard to have Sex Play without sex). But some of these activities don't involve any of those things - or at least, they don't require any of those things. Your kink is specific to you and your play partner(s). Include control, or don't. Include pain, or don't. Include sex, or don't. Touch on as many different activities as are interesting to you and the person or people you play with.
Not everyone who spends time at a public kink-friendly space actually participates in any kind of BDSM activities, because kink-friendly spaces try to be especially inclusive and welcoming to people with all kinds of 'wierdnesses'. That includes people who are otherwise marginalized, maybe because they are involved in alternative relationships or LGBTQIA+, or maybe because they like to be nude or crossdress, or maybe because they just like watching. And because all of these people who don't fit squarely into society's expectations hang out at these safe spaces, there ends up being a lot of overlap of these different communities. For instance, I am kinky, but I'm also polyamorous and queer.
So how do you find your local community? Local spaces are usually not advertised as such to the general public. One of the best ways to connect with your greater community and to find your local community is to join FetLife. It's a social media site for kinky folk. As with anything online, some people are really helpful and others are there to troll, but overall it's a great starting point to find information. My FetLife ID is Meronym, and I welcome questions sent to me by fetmail. There are other online sites as well, but many of them are dating or hook-up sites, and I don't know enough about them to recommend them.
Once you get offline and ready to interact in the real world, there may be a variety of options available to you. Of course, playing with people you already know that are also kinky is the most direct start. Most places have at least some local community, people that get together at each other's homes or rent out a few hotel rooms from time to time. You'll usually need to get to know some of these folks before they feel comfortable inviting you to their kink-space for play parties; vetting practices vary from one group to another. The private community available to you will vary depending on your location.
If you're very lucky - and live in a large enough city - you may have a dungeon playspace available to you, either nearby or within a few hours' drive. There are a several handfuls of dungeon playspaces in the US, both non-profit and for-profit. In larger communities, even those without a regular dungeon playspace, there may be larger house parties or space rentals that are somewhat public. In some places, these are held at local swingers' clubs. How you may attend varies from place to place.
If you don't have a local dungeon, then watch for conventions that aren't too far for travel. There are kink conventions that may focus on rope, dominant/submissive relationships, kink in general, etc. There are also many geek conventions that have a kink element 'after dark'. Look on the schedules for late-night classes and play parties.
Most of this presentation is focused on public playspaces, though much of the information can be applied elsewhere.
A munch is just a bunch of kinky people that get together, usually at a restaurant, to relax and hang out. As one friend put it, "A munch is just going to dinner with some friends you haven't met yet." This is usually the first step to getting to know people in your local community, so they can get to know you well enough to see if they want to invited you to their party. Of course, you also get to know them well enough to see if you want to be invited to their party! In some places, munches are paired with an educational presentation. And in other places, they are followed by everyone going to the play party together.
A slosh is pretty much the same thing, except that it's at a bar. It's expected that people will be drinking, and it is not usually followed by an educational presentation or a play party. The drinking and hanging out are the intended activity.
A slosh is pretty much the same thing, except that it's at a bar. It's expected that people will be drinking, and it is not usually followed by an educational presentation or a play party. The drinking and hanging out are the intended activity.
Education is important in any kink community. Many communities offer classes, but you don't have to wait for a class to learn more about the things we do. Watch scenes that are going on, or ask someone to show you how to do something. Most kinksters are quite happy to show off their skill or their toys. You can improve the skills you have by getting some tips or by practicing. For instance, it's hard to practice throwing a whip in a house, but a dungeon's just the right space for it. You'll see things going on that you've never encountered before, or that you never thought of doing quite that way. Many playspaces periodically have 'sampler' nights where you can try a variety of kinds of play. Speaking of variety... that's my favorite part.
I have a huge need to do all kinds of different things with all kinds of different people. And a public playspace is great for that. I can play with women and men and groups and play as a top or bottom and it can hurt or not and be sexy or not and... Yeah, I love playing with all my friends. We joke that being friends with kinky people ruins you for non-kinky friendships. That's because with kinky people, a lot of those filters that we use in daily conversation can be dropped. We talk about all those things you don't say or do in 'polite company', and it's incredibly relaxing. So our kinky friends sometimes become our closest of friends. And there's such an interesting variety of kinky people!
Voyeurism - it's a huge thing at a public playspace. Some people only come to watch. I mean, really, Live Porn! And it's a good thing, too, because all those exhibitionists need someone to watch them. As a community, we love watching each other.
While hanging out with all our kinky friends, there's also a lot of entertainment. Many spaces have movie nights and game nights and other activities, either concurrent with or separate from play parties. Whether it's watching scenes, participating in scenes, or participating in other activities in the playspace, you can't beat the entertainment value of a public playspace.
Another reason why a lot of kinky folk like to play in a public playspace is the increased safety. A good dungeon is set up to be a good place to play. There is room for swinging a whip, the equipment is designed for kink play, and there shouldn't be any chance of non-kinky people accidentally wandering in and spotting your kink. Everyone there is kinky (or at least kink-friendly). And if something goes wrong (because sometimes 'oops' happens), there are experienced people there who may spot a problem more quickly or know what to do to help. Dungeon Monitors are, in most spaces, people with at least some First Aid training, and hopefully some training on how to handle specific kink-related problems. I also notice that a lot of kinky people are First Responders (firefighters, police, doctors, nurses, EMTs, etc), which means that on any given night, at least at my home playspace, there's bound to be a few people there with emergency training, even if they aren't 'on duty'.
A public playspace is also a great place to meet people to play, or just to get to know each other. You may not feel comfortable meeting in a restaurant or other vanilla public place and discussing your kink interests with a new person, but a playspace is still public without the risk of vanillas overhearing. And if things go well, you have a safe place to play with other people around. And if the chemistry isn't there, you both have the opportunity to meet other kinky folk that might click better.
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Now how about some definitions about the things you might see while you're watching things happen at a public playspace?
The people involved in a scene are often described as either a Top or a Bottom. This one's easy, because it's based on actions. Just look for who's doing the action!
The Top is the person doing things. The Bottom is the person having things done to them.
Other Related Terms:
A public playspace is also a great place to meet people to play, or just to get to know each other. You may not feel comfortable meeting in a restaurant or other vanilla public place and discussing your kink interests with a new person, but a playspace is still public without the risk of vanillas overhearing. And if things go well, you have a safe place to play with other people around. And if the chemistry isn't there, you both have the opportunity to meet other kinky folk that might click better.
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Now how about some definitions about the things you might see while you're watching things happen at a public playspace?
The Top is the person doing things. The Bottom is the person having things done to them.
- If someone has an implement in their hand, swinging it... they are the Top
- If someone is struck by an implement or a hand, or they are in pain... they are the Bottom.
- If someone is clothed and sweating from the work they are doing... they are the Top.
- If someone is naked and laying down or bound... they are the Bottom.
Other Related Terms:
- Sadist/Masochist - sadists like to hurt people; masochists like to be hurt.
- Service Top - this is a person who tops primarily in order to please the person bottoming.
- Sexual Top/Bottom - this is describing, during sex, who is doing the penetration and who is receiving it - not quite the same thing, though it can be. In the non-kink gay community, this is the primary meaning of Top/Bottom, so beware possible confusion here.
The Dominant is the person that makes decisions and directs the action. Often they are the Top, but not always. The Submissive is the person who follows the directions of the Dominant. They agree that the Dominant will be in charge.
- If the Top tells the Bottom, "You stay right there and don't move!"... They are probably the Dominant.
- If the Top asks the Bottom, "Would you like me to hit you harder?"... They may be the Submissive.
- If the Bottom tells the Top where and how to top them... They are probably the Dominant.
- If the Bottom quietly obeys orders given to them... They are probably the Submissive.
- If one person is wearing a collar... They are probably someone's Submissive, but it may or may not be the person they are playing with or the person they are in another type of relationship with.
- Master/Slave - a D/s relationship that implies a long-term commitment.
- Collar - usually a symbol of a Dominant's 'ownership' of a Submissive - all consensually, of course - may be a collar, necklace, or other type of jewelry (like a wedding ring...)
For instance, I mostly identify as a Dominant Bottom. I like to have people do certain kinds of impact play on me, the way that I want it done. I can easily direct the scene to please me the most. But that's not my only role. With my husband, I am a Submissive Bottom - he plays me the way he decides. But with my boyfriend, I am a Dominant Top - he likes being tied up, and I make the decisions on how that goes. So really, I act as a Switch/Switch.
But what about all those kinds of play that don't really fit into Top/Bottom or Dom/Sub categories? There are plenty of other labels that people use to identify themselves, and you may shift around which ones you use. Remember, labels are a useful short-cut to let people know what you're into, but they don't restrict you - you can change labels at any time, or just add new ones! Here are a few common identity labels, but there are so many more. Be sure to ask someone what their labels mean to them, too, as we all define things as they relate to us personally. My submissiveness, for example, doesn't look anything like someone else's submissiveness.
Roleplay identities refer to the role someone takes on during play. Someone may take on the role of a child or a pet in Ageplay or Petplay. Or they might be a SAM - a bratty Smart-Ass-Masochist - like me! I may pick on my tops until they want to hurt me - it's a service I provide (all in good fun, of course). A service someone provides might provide an identity, too. Bootblacks take care of our leather items, and riggers are our rope tops. FemDom describes a particular type of relationship with a female dominant and male submissive. A voyeur likes to watch people play, and an exhibitionist likes being watched; both can have a particularly good time in a group setting!
There may be many labels that you could apply to yourself, all at once. One way to handle that is to use the label 'Kinkster'. To me, that means I am kinky and have a lot of interests. To someone else that might mean they are new, and know they are into kink, but not sure exactly what kind yet. And of course, the opposite of 'Kinkster' is 'Vanilla'. We have a responsibility to identify vanillas among our kinky friends so that we don't have conversations that are too much around them - they didn't consent to being part of our kinky lives.
A few other terms you might hear in a kink settings... We refer to what we do as playing (because we're having fun!), and a scene is a discrete time period where we do these things. A scene includes the negotiations, play, and aftercare in a session of play.
Sometimes, when we do a scene, one of the people playing will experience what we call 'headspace'. That's when we get a natural high from the excitement of playing. Someone in headspace (or subspace, topspace, etc.) is loose and 'drunk' on the experience, and may not communicate well. They are definitely not able to negotiate or give consent to new activities. But they are probably really enjoying themselves, too!
After a scene, especially the next day, someone who has played may experience some 'drop'. This is the aftereffect of all those happy brain chemicals wearing off, and may make us feel depressed or guilty or just really tired.
Headspace during a scene and drop after a scene don't occur every time, but they are important to be aware of and be ready to handle.
It takes some time to understand what you do and don't like - and why. Or how you're likely to react to something, both immediately and over the following days. Some toys take time to learn to wield well, and learning how you heal - and how to help your body heal - also takes experience. So if someone points out that you may be frenzying, take note of the idea and maybe slow down a little - so you can have the most fun long-term.
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These slides with the blue titles indicate the most important concepts to remember from this presentation. They are about our Lifestyle Keys - the things that are really essential for kinksters to come together as a community.
The most essential key to the Kink Community is that it is based on Consent. Consent is something that should always be in the back of your mind when dealing with others. And consent is only meaningful if it is explicit, informed, and engaged, and can be revoked at any time.
If I come up to you and say, "Hey, I have this idea for something to do. Come with me.", then I grab you by the hand and drag you into the other room... the fact that you let me drag you in there is not indicative of consent on your part, and indeed you haven't given me any consent.
If I come up to you and say, "Hey, I have this idea for something to do. Come with me.", then I grab you by the hand and drag you into the other room... the fact that you let me drag you in there is not indicative of consent on your part, and indeed you haven't given me any consent.
- Consent should be Freely Given - you have to say 'yes' because you choose to without any coercion, knowing that a 'no' would stop this from happening.
- Consent must be Reversible. Anyone involved in a scene at any time can withdraw their consent.
- Informed Consent is important - consent doesn't mean anything unless you understand what you are consenting to. If I want to do a certain kind of play with you, and you don't know anything about that play, then you aren't capable of giving good informed consent. You need to ask some questions, maybe see a demo or something, before your consent is meaningful.
- Consent should be enthusiastic. "Yeah I guess that's okay" isn't consent. "Yes, let's do it!" is good enthusiastic consent. However, we've started moving away from using Enthusiastic here, and instead have picked up Engaged. A participant in a scene may not be excited & enthusiastic about the activity, say for a punishment they have earned. But they need to be engaged, agreeing fully that the activity should continue and that they give their permission for it.
- Consent must be specific/explicit to be meaningful. Not just "yes, I'll do some kind of scene with you", but "yes, I want to do this kind of scene with you."
- SSC = Safe, Sane, and Consensual - a byword of the kink community. We try to make sure that everything we do is as safe as we can reasonably make it, reasonably sane as we plan to act, and completely consensual on the part of everyone involved.
- RACK = Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. We recognize that safe and sane are a matter of opinion sometimes, so some people prefer to use RACK to indicate that they are aware of the risks being taken. And still, everyone must consent.
If you'd like more conversation about consent, visit the website for the NCSF. That's the organization that's really involved in protection the kink community (and other communities) in a legal/political sense.
In the vanilla world, we are judged and categorized by WHAT we are. What kind of job do you have? How much money do you make? What kind of car do you drive? Are you married/do you have kids? What religion are you/what church do you go to? All the kinds of things you could answer on a questionnaire. These things are WHAT you are. And these are things we in the kink community try not to care about, in the grand scheme of things.
We want to know WHO you are. Are you a top/bottom/switch? Are you dominant/submissive? Are you in a relationship and how do I respect your dynamic? What kind of play are you into? How much experience do you have? What's in your toybag? How do you negotiate? Can I trust you? How do you act online - are you respectful? foolish? knowledgeable? These things are WHO you are, and these are the things that take time for the community to learn about you.
One of the really great things about joining a kink community is that you get a clean slate to start with. We don't know anything about you, other than what we can glean from your appearance and what you choose to share. The identity you build for yourself comes from your personality, reputation, and experience. So decide WHO you want to be, and be that person.
Another key concept in the kink community is Respect. We show respect for ourselves, toward others, and toward the entire community by minding our etiquette. You know, the same things we learned as little kids.
- Say please and thank you.
- Don't touch things (or people) that aren't yours.
- Ask first (get consent).
- If you have a problem, use your words - tell someone, ask for help.
- Clean up after yourself.
- Find out what the rules are and follow them.
- etc.
You'll hear the phrase "Your Kink Is Not My Kink", often followed by "and That's Okay", or see it written as YKINMK. That just means that we acknowledge we're all into different things, and everyone gets to explore their kink so long as they do so in a manner that's respectful to others. For instance, I hate needle play, and I hate dealing with feet. So if my friend wants to do a scene that involves putting needles into feet, what should I do? I mean, I could try saying that they aren't allowed to do that because I don't like it, but that is Not Cool. No, I should just take myself to a different part of the playspace while they are doing that scene so I don't have to see it. And if my friends know their scene might squick me, they might have the forethought to mention it to me so I can plan to be elsewhere when they do it. Now we're all being respectful!
Your Identity is Yours to Determine - this just means that I don't get a say in how you identify. Your gender identity, role identity, relationship choices - I don't get an input to these things. If you tell me that you're an asexual polyamorous genderqueer little, then I accept that. You know yourself better than I ever will, and denying your identity would be disrespectful and take away your Safe Space to be that.
My Dynamic is Not Your Responsibility - In my relationship dynamic, we have certain rules. Rules about who can play with me in what ways, who I can have sex with, behaviors I am expected to follow. I have agreed to follow those rules. You have not made that agreement, and you are not bound to those rules. If we have a rule that says I'm not to do biting play without his okay, and you bite me, I am at fault for allowing that to happen, not you. It is my responsibility before playing with you to communicate the rules that I am bound to. If I don't do so, it's my failure, and he doesn't get to be mad at you. Now, as a matter of respect for one another, if you know those rules, of course you should stay within those boundaries, but as a courtesy, not because you are bound to them.
Your Identity is Yours to Determine - this just means that I don't get a say in how you identify. Your gender identity, role identity, relationship choices - I don't get an input to these things. If you tell me that you're an asexual polyamorous genderqueer little, then I accept that. You know yourself better than I ever will, and denying your identity would be disrespectful and take away your Safe Space to be that.
My Dynamic is Not Your Responsibility - In my relationship dynamic, we have certain rules. Rules about who can play with me in what ways, who I can have sex with, behaviors I am expected to follow. I have agreed to follow those rules. You have not made that agreement, and you are not bound to those rules. If we have a rule that says I'm not to do biting play without his okay, and you bite me, I am at fault for allowing that to happen, not you. It is my responsibility before playing with you to communicate the rules that I am bound to. If I don't do so, it's my failure, and he doesn't get to be mad at you. Now, as a matter of respect for one another, if you know those rules, of course you should stay within those boundaries, but as a courtesy, not because you are bound to them.
Along with names, some kinksters choose to keep their entire outside life separate from their kink life. All of those WHAT questions before... those are details that don't really impact what you do in the playspace, so they don't really need to be asked. If you're comfortable sharing that information, then you may, but others may choose not to. Try not to ask those WHAT questions (it takes practice), and don't feel bad about declining to answer them yourself if it comes up.
However, the most likely threat to your privacy in a kink space isn't the people there - it's Facebook. Facebook's algorithms are really good at putting together that you are often at a specific location every Saturday night, and this person over here is at the same location every Saturday night, so you guys must know each other. It puts you on each others' 'people you may know' list, and voila, you now know each other's real names.
You have to decide for yourself how kink-open your Facebook activity will be. Many people keep their Facebook completely vanilla, while others are very much out on Facebook. Don't assume someone wants to connect with you there, and don't feel obligated to connect with anyone just because they find you there, either. That goes for FetLife as well - use your social media in ways that benefit you, and you don't owe anyone a friend status on either. Just because you're friends at the club doesn't mean you need to be FetLife friends. And just because you're FetLife friends doesn't mean you need to be Facebook friends. However, nothing's stopping you from connecting, either.
Just like we don't assume friendship online, we shouldn't make assumptions about people in real life, either.
Let's say two people come into the club tonight. One is a large masculine-presenting person; the other is a petite feminine-presenting person. They come in together and put toybags next to each other on the rack. It would be easy to assume that they are a couple, that they will only play together, and maybe even that he will be topping and dominating her.
But what if they are roommates, they never play with each other, he's a gay man who primarily bottoms submissively, and the petite feminine person is a male who is crossdressing and doesn't do any BDSM play?
You just can't make any assumptions about someone's identifiers without talking to them. Nor can you make assumptions about whether or not they are a potential play partner for you. You have to find out what kind of play they are into, whether it's a match for your interests, what kind of relationship restrictions may be in play, and so on. It's always best to simply ask someone about all of these things. In the vanilla world, we are taught to make assumptions rather than ask direct questions, but in the kink world, direct questions streamline conversation and increase respect.
Pronouns are an important thing in the kink world, too. Our environment encourages people to openly identify themselves rather than stick with socio-typical labels. For people who don't have a cis-typical appearance, it's polite to ask what pronouns they prefer. For myself, I prefer plural pronouns - They/Them/Theirs - but accept either feminine or masculine ones (my appearance is that of a butch female). And if you want to take that to the next level, you can offer your pronouns when you introduce yourself, even if you have a cis-normative appearance. By introducing yourself as "Hi, I'm David, and I use he/him pronouns," you've normalized including pronouns as part of your introductions.
Let's say two people come into the club tonight. One is a large masculine-presenting person; the other is a petite feminine-presenting person. They come in together and put toybags next to each other on the rack. It would be easy to assume that they are a couple, that they will only play together, and maybe even that he will be topping and dominating her.
But what if they are roommates, they never play with each other, he's a gay man who primarily bottoms submissively, and the petite feminine person is a male who is crossdressing and doesn't do any BDSM play?
You just can't make any assumptions about someone's identifiers without talking to them. Nor can you make assumptions about whether or not they are a potential play partner for you. You have to find out what kind of play they are into, whether it's a match for your interests, what kind of relationship restrictions may be in play, and so on. It's always best to simply ask someone about all of these things. In the vanilla world, we are taught to make assumptions rather than ask direct questions, but in the kink world, direct questions streamline conversation and increase respect.
Pronouns are an important thing in the kink world, too. Our environment encourages people to openly identify themselves rather than stick with socio-typical labels. For people who don't have a cis-typical appearance, it's polite to ask what pronouns they prefer. For myself, I prefer plural pronouns - They/Them/Theirs - but accept either feminine or masculine ones (my appearance is that of a butch female). And if you want to take that to the next level, you can offer your pronouns when you introduce yourself, even if you have a cis-normative appearance. By introducing yourself as "Hi, I'm David, and I use he/him pronouns," you've normalized including pronouns as part of your introductions.
In interacting with the group of people at a kink playspace, a few more things to keep in mind to be respectful and help everyone have a good time.
- DO watch things that are happening. Watching others is a great way to learn and to be entertained. And an audience is essential for the exhibitionists! Just stay a few feet away - about the same distance you'd stand behind someone at an ATM. If you, or anyone watching with you, are making any noise, back up farther. If toys are being used that have a greater reach, like a whip, back up out of the way. If you're close enough that you get hit, that's your fault, because you were too close.
- You are never required to participate in any of the things that are happening. You can come out and never participate in a scene, an icebreaker activity, or conversation. Your level of participation is up to you, and totally voluntary.
- In the playspace, the scenes take priority. Your conversation should never distract people in a scene from what they are doing. If your conversation gets loud, take it to a social area.
- Cell phones are often banned from playspaces. If they are not, keep them out of sight, and go to a social area to use them, and keep them on vibrate while you're there. Cell phones have flashing lights and make lots of noises, and they all have cameras and video capabilities now. No one wants to look up from a scene and see an unexpected camera pointing at them.
- Don't touch things that aren't yours. If something must be moved, get permission from the owner, or the Dungeon Monitor if necessary. Don't touch people without permission - they aren't yours, either.
- Pay attention so that you don't interrupt a scene. Don't just go up to people in a playspace to ask a question or to say hello or goodbye or anything else unless you are sure you are welcome. Wait until they go to a social area and ask your question there. This means we often end up skipping hellos and goodbyes with one another if someone is busy.
- Sometimes an activity doesn't look like you expect a scene to look. No one's being struck, but there's rope spread out, or bootblacking equipment out, or if something is happening that probably shouldn't be in the social area, that's a scene. Don't interrupt.
- And sometimes the beginning or end of a scene doesn't look so much like one. People looking at toys together may be negotiating. People cuddling together may be doing aftercare.
'Hurt' is about sensation. Something that hurts us generates some sort of stimulation that causes physical or mental distress. Too much sensation translates in our mind to pain. But sensation can vary greatly in duration and depth. The things we do in the kink world are aimed at creating sensation, whether positive, negative, or both at the same time.
However, too much 'hurt' can turn into 'harm'. I define 'harm' as something that is likely to result in going to a healthcare professional (physical or mental) - or should result in a visit to a healthcare professional. The goal of BDSM play is to hurt, but never to harm.
So let's have a moment of frank reality. The things that we do carry some risks. Things we do in the context of a BDSM scene, if done non-consensually, in another context, would be assault. They would typically be aimed at harming someone. And the context of a BDSM scene does not render these activities magically risk-free. We take risks. And that means everyone involved needs to be aware of those risks.
At this point in my live presentation, I ask everyone who identifies as a Top (sometimes or all the time) to raise their hand. And I tell them, "You are responsible for looking after the safety of every person you play with. You have a duty to protect them." Then I ask everyone who identifies as a Bottom (sometimes or all the time) to raise their hand. And I tell them, "If someone gets harmed in a BDSM scene, it will probably be you. Don't you rely on your Top to look after your safety. You have a responsibility to yourself to make sure the scene is as safe as reasonable." Everyone in a scene must be looking out for the safety of the scene.
So how do you look out for the safety of a scene? Well, first you have to have some knowledge of what to look out for. You must educate yourself on how to play more safely. And that's an ongoing quest of all good kinky players, to learn more about how to do things and do them safely. Most kink classes will include a section on safety. There are all kinds of resources out there. Find everything you can online or in books - both kink-specific and related. For instance, when I was learning more about asphyxiation play, I found a lot of information from the judo community, since they do a lot of choke-holds. And talk about safety aspects when you are in groups of kinksters or learning one-on-one.
Safety Awareness should become a habit. Always ask yourself, "What could go wrong?" and then do whatever you can to minimize that risk. Especially when you're setting up a scene, plan for things that could go wrong and be ready. Does your scene involve a lit candle? Have a fire extinguisher ready. You may never use it, but knowing it's there will let you relax. And remember that safety preparedness is the responsibility of Bottoms as well as Tops. As I bottom, I'll grab a blanket, cup of water, towel, tarp, etc. to have nearby if my Top misses it. A good rope Bottom, for instance, will want to see that their Top has safety shears at hand, and may even request some be clipped within their reach if appropriate.
Also take a look at the person you'll be playing with. If this isn't someone you play with regularly, how confident are you in their safety knowledge and awareness and their risk management? If you don't know someone well, it may be a good idea to check around, asking others who have played with them or been watching when they've played. If you aren't playing in a public playspace, you may want to set up a Safe Call - someone to know who you're with and where you are, and what to do it you don't check in as arranged (link to Making a Safe Call).
It's important to remember that CONSENT CAN ALWAYS BE REVOKED.
- Just because you consented to something earlier doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
- Just because you consented to X doesn't automatically mean consenting to Y.
- Just because it was your idea doesn't mean you have to consent to it.
- Just because you consented and followed through the last time you played doesn't mean you must follow through with the scene this time.
Consent is an ongoing 'yes' that can be turned to 'no' at any time by anyone involved.
A Hard Limit is something that you will not do and/or you will not have done to you. These are absolute 'NO's. We assume that certain things are Hard Limits - children, animals, and dead people cannot consent, so they are not allowed. Other Hard Limits we can probably assume are amputation and mutilation. But in a more realistic sense, you probably have things that you are just not willing to do within a BDSM scene.
A few of my Hard Limits (your limits will be different from mine):
- guns in a scene
- wearing high heels
- sexual penetration by/of cis-women
- anything that sexualizes feet
Various types of Edge Play are often Soft Limits - a very good idea, as these are things you should think very carefully about and trust your partner for. When we talk about Edge Play, we are including anything that has an increased risk to the people participating in it. Edge Play activities are things that, under catastrophic failure, could result in death, not just a trip to the hospital. So they should be done more deliberately and with more education and preparation.
Some of my Soft Limits (your limits will be different from mine):
- kissing lip-to-lip
- needle-play
- certain implements, like the sjambok or 'evil stick'
- tickling
- armpits - why does anyone want to play with someone's armpits? YKINMK
Some of the House Rules for my home playspace are:
Talking about your limits with play partners is one way of managing your consent. Your limits will change over time, and may be different depending on who you're playing with. Explore how you feel about your limits, and be ready to talk to your play partners about them. On the flip side, be ready to talk about what you DO want to do as well. Have some thoughts ready about what you find interesting or exciting.
- No Minors
- No Alcohol or Illegal Drugs
- No Firearms
- No Solicitation in Any Form
- No asphyxiation to the point of unconsciousness
- No uncontainable scenes - this would include watersports, rainbow play, no cigars/cigarettes - these all create odors that will invade other scenes
- No cellphones or loud conversation in the playspace, no recording
- No food or glass containers in the playspace
Other ways to talk about what you do and don't want to do are to consider the 'feel 'of the scene. A sensual scene is going to be arousing, titillating, and may involve whatever you consider flirting, kissing, genital touching, and/or penetration. Some scenes focus more on the mental aspects. Giving and following orders (or refusing and taking the consequences), fear-play, humiliation, anything that is more mental than physical fits here. And some scenes are just the physical, and those can range from the very light and pleasant to the very heavy and demanding.
Of course, a scene can pull from any or all of these realms. Let's take a massage. That is often a fairly light physical scene that's very relaxing, but could easily turn into a very sensual scene with touch moving from back and legs to breasts and/or genitals. If you start with a blindfold and have multiple people doing the massage (negotiated), you've added a mental 'guess whose hand that is' element to the scene as well.
Other terms you'll hear people use are about different sensations in play.
- Thuddy impacts hit and the impact moves into the body. Fists and foam bats are thuddy kinds of hits. They have a softer, lower-pitched noise, and the Bottom will feel them in the muscle.
- Stingy impacts hit at the surface, making the skin smart. Open-hand slaps and whips are stingy kinds of hits. They have a loud, bright noise, and the Bottom will feel them on the skin.
- Sharp feelings are made by fingernails and knives and needles. They may or may not break skin.
- Other kinds of play that don't fit into thuddy/stingy/sharp include things like electrical play (violet wand or TENS) and temperature play (hot wax, ice, fireplay). Lots of play falls into 'other'.
- A friendship involves some emotional intimacy and time commitment.
- Romantic interests are inherently very emotionally intimate.
- Sexual interests are people you have physical intercourse with.
- S/M interests are play partners for kink scenes that involve sensation-play.
- D/s interests are power exchange partners where one person controls another.
These are all different relationships. You may have several of these relationships with the same person, or you may go to different people for different relationships. For instance, my husband and I interact on all of these relationship levels - he is my Dominant and my Top as well as my husband and my friend. But I have a boyfriend who is Submissive and Bottom to me with whom I am building a romantic and sexual relationship. And I have many friends with whom I will do S/M play, but am unlikely to involve romance, sex, or D/s. I also have a couple of friends with whom I will also do sexual play along with S/M play, but there is no romance involved.
Friendships are usually the route by which all other relationships are created. Meet some people in your local kink community. Talk about some common interests you have, and ask questions. When I was new, many of my scenes started with deciding on a kind of play I wanted to try, and asking around to find out who would be a good person to try it with. Now that I'm more experienced, I find I more often get to know a person and decide I want to do things with them, then figure out what kinds of things we share an interest in and can do together.
Here are some questions I use that often lead to pick-up play:
- We've been talking about X kind of play - do you want to try it together?
- I heard you're really good at X - would you do that with me sometime?
- I've seen you doing X in a scene. Can I talk to you about that kind of play?
- I saw that toy you were playing with. Could I see it? Would you hit me with it/let me hit you with it?
- I want to know more about X - can you teach me about it?
- I like you and would like to play with you - what kind of play would you like to do?
Regardless how you phrase it, the best way to get to play with someone is to ask them. If you're shy about asking, or unsure how your offer will be received, or just want time to plan, then you may want to make your offer through an online message or at a non-play event like a munch. That way they have time to think about your offer and respond. My favorite way to make an offer of play online is to let someone know that I'm interested, and leave the ball in their court to respond if they are also interested. I send out a lot of messages along the lines of "Hey, I'm interested in playing with you. I'd like to talk to you about doing X sometime. If you're also interested, please let me know."
Sometimes I don't get an answer back, and that's okay. Maybe that person isn't interested in me, or isn't interested in that kind of play. Perhaps they have other things going on right now with their schedule or their relationships that mean playing with me doesn't work out. The offer has been made, without pressure on them to agree to play unless they want to.
Negotiation. You'll start by deciding together what you're going to do. You both (or all) need to agree on where the boundaries are for your scene. Things you'll definitely need to negotiate:
- Who is playing and what roles will they have?
- When and where will this scene take place?
- What kind of scene is it?
- thuddy/stingy/sharp/other
- sensual/physical/mental
- D/s vs S/M
- Hard & Soft Limits
- Toys to be used, Body Parts involved
- Will Sex be part of the scene?
- Safewords & Signals
- Medical concerns
- anything else that might impact the scene or the people involved
Warm-up. Start out slowly, making a connection between the people involved and preparing the Bottom's body (and/or mind) for what's coming. Literally warm-up the skin. I strongly suggest lots of skin-to-skin contact here.
Play. Do whatever it is you've negotiated. Play should ebb and flow, getting more and less intense. Check in with each other during the scene, and maintain that connection. The Bottom (and sometimes the Top) may hit some sort of headspace, where they are floaty and vulnerable. Their play partner should take responsibility for them while they are in this headspace.
Cooldown. When the main action ends, continue that connection, but wrap things up.
Aftercare. After the scene, take care of each other. Some people need a lot of aftercare; others need very little. Aftercare may mean cuddling together, getting some food & drink, talking about the scene, or even having sex (if previously negotiated).
Clean-up. Returning the space you played in to its original state is just good manners. After cleaning, up, maybe there's more aftercare, or maybe you're done and go your separate ways. Aftercare may continue with a check-in the next day with each other. Keeping that connection open may help reduce drop, or at least help deal with it.
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Thank you for reading through this presentation. You've taken a huge step toward educating yourself and making yourself a better play partner. If you have comments, suggestions, questions, or corrections, please leave a comment, or you can email me at meronym@myself.com or send me a message on FetLife. You may link this presentation anywhere it may be useful for educational purposes (no media).
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