Community Essentials with Meronym: Use Your Words (WORK IN PROGRESS)

This is a work in progress - I'll be adding talking points/discussion under each slide

as I have time. But for now, here is just the slide deck for my class

Use Your Words: Getting What You Want Out of Scene Negotiations

We talk a lot in the kink community about negotiating what you're going to do with someone. But sometimes we don't really talk about what that means. What does negotiation look and sound like? What kinds of things do you need to cover?

I started preparing for this class by asking this question on FetLife: What are your goals in scene negotiations? What do you want to achieve? And here are some of the answers I received (after some compilation)...

At the most mundane level, negotiations are about making a plan for the scene - and everything that includes. What are your dos and don'ts, what toys will you be using, how do you want the scene to feel or to make each of you feel, and what needs do you have for the scene, from beginning to end?

Deeper than just making that plan, though, negotiations are a way to establish safe boundaries. To make sure that you're on the same page about consent, limits, boundaries, and triggers. And to have a backup plan for handling anything that might happen. Especially anything that might go wrong unexpectedly.

Beyond planning and safety, negotiations should really, at the core, be about attuning to one another and building the relationship between play partners. This is where you make sure you're both on the same page, and try to understand what each of you want out of the scene. If planned well, you should both be excited about what's about to happen.

Let's start with just a few terms that we'll be using as we talk here. When we refer to a scene, we'll be talking about a specific event where kink or BDSM activities are happening. A scene begins with negotiations, then progresses through the activities agreed-upon, and includes some immediate aftercare as well. When we talk about Scene Negotiations, we mean discussion around what's going to happen - or might happen - in that scene. These negotiations might happen gradually over a span of time leading up to a scene, or might be just a single discussion right before playing.

For the purposes of this class, we aren't really talking about negotiating a relationship, whether a D/s relationship or something else. The negotiations for a relationship in the kink lifestyle may be similar to those for a scene, and certainly will use some of the same skills and talk about some of the same things, but for now, we'll be talking about negotiating a specific event instead.

The people involved in a scene generally can be talked about by their roles, which will complement each other. For a scene with physical action taking place, the Top is the person who is doing most of the work - the person whose hand is striking the other person, or holding a paddle, whip, or other toy. The Bottom is the person receiving that action, generally the person physically feeling what's being done to them. I like to say that the Top has the Toys, and the Bottom has the Butt. For a scene that's less about physical action and more about control and behavior, the Dominant is the one calling the shots. Their decisions guide the scene and give them control. The Submissive is following the orders, giving up control, and doing what they are told, generally. Not all scenes have a Top and Bottom, and not all scenes have a Dominant and Submissive. But most scenes can be described in those terms to some extent. I'll also use the terms Participants, Players, and Kinksters to refer to the people involved - and I'll generally talk about two people playing. For scenes with more than two participants, all the same things hold true; it just may mean a little extra communication to keep everyone together.

We cover these terms and other kink terminology in more depth in my class Dungeon Essentials. For this presentation, I'm going to assume you already have the basic concepts under your belt. If not, I encourage you to pause and research, if at any point you encounter a term you aren't sure of.

Of course, the first step to negotiating a scene is having someone to play with! Odds are good that you'll start with someone you already have a relationship with of some sort. Someone you live with, or are dating, or are friends with. Take the relationship you already have and ask if they want to add kinkplay to that. Or maybe you've played before and you're asking them to go another round!

Outside of your 'existing relationships' circle, though, you can make an invitation to anyone else you know that is also part of your kink community. Maybe someone you met at a munch or the playspace or found yourself in a conversation group with caught your eye. Let them know, and see if they have an interest. Perhaps someone who you have seen doing the kind of scene you'd like to do would be willing to give you a taste of that skill or toy you admired. Be sure not to treat them like a kink dispenser who owes you a demonstration - talk up the person you want to play with, not the experience you want to receive. That's not to say you shouldn't ask someone to help you learn, though - most of us love educating people about our favorite kinds of play! I've even been matched up with a potential play partner by someone else - these kinds of matches require the most effort to be successful, but don't count them out.

I do have some advice for how to make your invitation, though. First of all, just remember that the person you're inviting to play is a person too, and you want them to be just as engaged in this process as you are, or what's the point?

DON'T wait for the other person to invite you to play. Anyone can make the invitation - top, bottom, dom, sub, doesn't matter. If we all wait on the other person to ask, then we never get to play, so don't be afraid to put that invitation out there.

DON'T shove your invitation in their face (metaphorically) by making unexpected demands on them ("Hey, why don't you come play with me right now?"), unless you know for sure they are open to that. Instead, you want to let them know you're interested by just handing them your invitation, leaving it up to them to either accept or decline - or even just ignore.

A great way to do that is to talk about a scene when you're in a neutral setting. Instead of grabbing them during a play event, instead send them a message online, or open the topic at a munch or other social event. Let them know you're interested in a situation where it doesn't feel like you're demanding an immediate response.

DON'T assume they've been daydreaming about playing with you all this time (even if you've been daydreaming about them). If you aren't already friends with your potential play-partner, let them know how you know each other and why you're approaching them and not someone else. Maybe a friend introduced the two of you. Did you feel a connection to them at some other event? Perhaps you're in some of the same fet-groups and you've been interested by the content of their posts. What is it about interacting with them that makes you want to play with them?

DON'T treat them as a kink dispenser. If your entire motivation is about filling your needs, and really anyone would do, maybe you're not ready to make this invitation. What will they get out of it? As part of making this invitation, you really should read their profile or get some information about what they might want out of a scene with you, as well as checking to see if they are even available for a new play friendship. Are you interested in filling their needs, too?

DO give out compliments, as long as they are genuine. Have you watched them play before and were impressed by or interested in something they did? Have they demonstrated some knowledge or thoughts that piqued your interest? Or maybe they have a reputation for being very knowledgeable about some particular kind of play. What is it about them that put them on your list of people you're interested in playing with?

DON'T beat around the bush. State clearly that you'd like to discuss planning a scene, and give a general idea of what kind of scene you'd like to talk about. Use clear language to indicate who would be the top and who would be the bottom, and what kinds of toys or play might be involved. That doesn't mean a three-page play-by-play fantasy write-up; leave room for them to create with you. Give no more than a couple of sentences about the general kind of scene you want to discuss, as well as what kind of timing you're thinking about.

DON'T pressure them to agree to your plan. You're just handing them the invitation, here. What they do with it is up to them. By making it gentle, they can respond immediately, come back to it later, say no thanks, or just ignore it entirely. Respect how they choose to react, and if you don't get a yes, then that's okay. Not every possibility will be a match.

Here's a sample of how I might invite someone I don't know well to play with me:

Hey, friend. I've really enjoyed talking with you at the XXX munches recently. Thanks for the book recommendation; I've already downloaded XXX to read soon. I was looking over your profile, and I saw that being tied is one of your top happy things. As it happens, I do like tying up my friends, so I thought I'd see if you were interested in planning a rope scene. Just floor rope, no suspension, some night at the club - a short scene to get to know each other better. I've got some pictures of some rope scenes I've done on my FetLife profile, as well as a Play Guide - maybe you'd like to look through those. If you'd like to plan a scene sometime soon, just let me know; I'm usually out most Saturday nights. Either way, I'll let you know after I read that book; I'm looking forward to talking to you about it.

Once you've found someone who takes you up on your invitation, the next step is to negotiate exactly what you're going to do. And that's what this presentation is really all about! At this stage of things, it's important to keep in mind that this is outside any power exchange. Right now, you aren't dominant and submissive, you're two autonomous people that are each responsible for looking out for both themselves and each other. You've got to negotiate that power differential before it can exist.

There are several ways to go about having that conversation about play; let's discuss a few methods.

One way to start talking about a scene is to share some inspiration - some ideas that give you an idea of something to do together. Perhaps a book you're reading, with the best spicy parts bookmarked or a conversation highlighted. Or send a link to a bondage photo you find online that has something you'd like to include. Watch a movie with a scene that makes you hot, then pause and talk about it. It doesn't even have to be a spicy scene, if there's something about it that turns you on.

If there's a scene in your head that you'd like to use for inspiration, try writing it out for your partner to read. It doesn't have to be ready-to-publish, as long as it's something you want to share. You could also read smutty stories together and then discuss what you liked about them. (Shameless promotion - I have edited and contributed to a book of erotic flash fiction pieces you could start with, Hot Flashes - Amazon link). This method works best in an established, ongoing friendship or relationship.

However, do remember that what you're talking about is fiction. Many of the things in fiction aren't reasonable for people with normal joints and regular lives, and many photos are staged, or at least dressed up. This is inspiration you're talking about, not a solid script for what you want to do together.

The next method I want to talk about is Question-Interrogation. Again, this is probably something you'll do leading up to a scene. You might even do this by yourself to think about what kinds of things you want to include in your negotiations.

You can find a lot of Negotiation Checklists online with some easy searching - here's a list I've made of several - Scene Negotiation checklists - https://meronym-kink.blogspot.com/2024/05/scene-negotiation-checklists.html. You can use those to get started, or find (or create) your own. These checklists are a great way to let you think about kinds of play you've maybe never done or haven't done much of. They will often give you a way to note elements in categories. I suggest the following categories that work for me, if the list you choose doesn't already have them set:

Yes, I've done this and enjoyed it and want to do again
Yes, I've done this and it is not something I'm currently interested in
Some experience with this, but not enough to be sure how I feel about it
No, I haven't tried this, but I want to
No, I haven't tried this, and I'm not currently interested in it.

If you're a switch, you may want to feel those out as a top and as a bottom, separately, since your feelings in one role may be different than your feelings in another role.

Filling out a checklist like this is great for making you consider things you might not otherwise think to include. As you become more experienced in kink, you might even create your own checklist, focusing on the things you enjoy doing, for potential partners to fill out when you're in the 'talking about playing sometime' stage of things.

Because when you both fill out the same checklist, whichever one it is, you get to compare your answers and talk about them. Anything you both put as 'Yes I want to do it' is easy to include in your planning. Anything that either of you said 'No I don't want to' is taken out of consideration - just one 'no' makes it a no-go. And then you can discuss further the things that fall somewhere between those two.

If you're nervous about negotiating, having one of these checklists in hand can help with that conversation. You can go down the list, asking, "How do you feel about ____?", and then react to that answer. It feels a little stiff, like an interrogation, at first, but write down the answers and do it together.

If you do this as a solo exercise, you may want to use your own answers to make a Play Guide you can share with potential partners.

I've written a separate post about Play Guides - https://meronym-kink.blogspot.com/2021/10/play-guides.html, but basically you want to write out, in big strokes, what someone needs to know before they sit down to negotiate with you. You can include information about what kind of kinky person you are, who you'd like to play with, the kind of play you do and don't enjoy, safety & consent information, how you play and what your needs and expectations are.

If you want to play with people who aren't your established partners, I strongly suggest having a Play Guide. And it may not be so much for those potential play partners, but just as much for you. The self-examination you need to do in order to create a Play Guide can be invaluable.

Then, making it available to potential play partners means they can read over it and see if it feels like you will play well together before you even start discussing details. It doesn't mean you can skip negotiations, but you can start off your conversation with some ideas in mind together.

I find that when I play with people new to me, I usually think of something during the scene that I wish I'd told them prior to the scene. I'll then add that information to my Play Guide. And before playing with a new person, I'll review my own Play Guide - as well as theirs if they have one available - so that I can remind myself what's important for me to cover when we do negotiate. It's really just a list of reminders for me, even though it's available for others to read, too.

But let's talk about the kind of negotiation you expected this presentation to be about - the conversation we have leading up to a scene. If you have the time to talk days or weeks beforehand, you might be able to cover a lot of territory, especially the whys of a scene. But it's okay if you don't do any planning until right before the scene, too - pickup play can be a lot of fun. Either way, you're going to discuss what do you both want to do, and how and why, and draw boundaries around what will and won't be included.

My favorite way of having this conversation is to pull out both our toy bags, and look at toys while we're talking. It gives us something to do with our hands, so it feels more like planning together rather than sitting down for a formal interview or something. I call this Toybag Show & Tell.

And the conversation can be led by either person. Maybe it's the person who's more socially eager, or by the person who came up with the idea for the scene and has the enthusiasm already rolling. If there is a gap in experience levels between the two people playing, it could either be led by the less experienced person drawing clear boundaries about what they'd like to do - or by the more experienced person leading the conversation through the negotiation, since they have a better idea of what should be covered. This is a conversation between two equal people. It's not just going over a checklist, nor should it be one person dictating what will happen (that's for in-scene, if you're into that).

And then there's the negotiation style that we don't generally talk about... practically no negotiation at all. For instance, if I'm at the club with my boy, I may look over and say, "I'm gonna tie you up. Go grab a space and set it up for us; I'll meet you over there."

There's a lot unsaid here, but implied. I'm trusting that yes, he wants to be tied up tonight, by me, and that he'll tell me if anything is in the way of that. If he doesn't feel up to it physically or mentally, or has other plans, or if there's something else he's rather do - all of those are things I'm assuming he'll tell me about. Even so, as we're getting set up and started, I'll ask him, "Is there anything I need to know?" and listen to how he responds. But here I'm assuming that whatever we've done and negotiated in the past is enough to get started on a scene, and that we'll communicate as we go for anything else.

This style of negotiation is a lot riskier. It requires that I trust him to know what needs to be mentioned and to do so. He has to trust that I remember and will honor the ongoing boundaries we've discussed leading up to this point. And there are all kinds of opportunities for miscommunications throughout the scene. This is best saved for partners in an ongoing relationship who have played together many times and know each other very well.

Whatever method (or methods) you use to cover your negotiations, you won't be able to talk about every single thing that could possibly come up. If you did, your negotiations would last forever, and there wouldn't be any time left to play.

But depending on what kind of scene you're planning to do, not every possible question or option is relevant. So let's talk about what you really have to cover for the scene you are planning to do.

Certain things are going to naturally be part of pretty much every negotiations - who's in the scene, what are doing, consent, and the basics of taking care of each other. Depending on the depth of your negotiations, you may or may not do a deeper dive into your motivations and any relevant concerns or risks. And more details will be dependent on just what kind of scene you're doing, anyway.

When I teach this class live, I have this handout here with an outline of things that can be cover. It's a good place to make notes about what's particularly relevant for your negotiations for your scenes.