Bottoms Up: Bits for Being a Better BDSM Bottom

An active bottom is an enthusiastic participant in their kink-play. A better bottom works at improving their bottoming skills so that both they and their play partners get more enjoyment out of play. This class is focused on bottoming skills, but tops can also pick up some pointers in this one, and build their appreciation for all the hard work bottoms put into participating in their scenes!

I am Meronym. I've been involved in my local BDSM community since early 2009, initially as a bottom, and now as a switch. I've been teaching kink classes since 2010. I am not a legal, medical, or psychiatric professional, so please don't take my information as anything more than advice from someone who has been around one particular kink community for a while. If you need professional advice, the NCSF provides assistance finding kink-aware professionals at www.ncsfreedom.org.

Too often, in response to a top thanking their bottom for a scene, I've hear the bottom reply back with, "but I just lay there; you did all the work." And nothing could be farther from the truth. Bottoms, you have to value what you put into a scene! You did NOT 'just lie there'; your reactions and participation are essential to making the scene something enjoyable for everyone. If all a top wants is a stationary target, then they could just use a pillow, or a mannequin. In some ways, the bottom's job is much harder work, because their contribution to the scene is more subtle and less easily defined. So, let's talk about what a bottom contributes to play.

As always, we want to start with some self-awareness. What kind of bottom are you? What does a top get out of playing with you, specifically, instead of some other bottom? The energy you bring to a scene defines how that play feels. If you aren't sure of how you are as a bottom, think about the bottoms in scenes you've enjoyed watching. If you've topped, what about bottoms you've enjoyed topping? And with all those thoughts in mind, answer this one - what kind of bottom do you want to be? 

Here are some terms you might use to describe yourself as a bottom; and of course you can add more:

Let's start with what you can do before you even have an invitation to play. How can you work on becoming a bottom that tops want to play with?

• Friendliness - Be friendly with people, whether or not you want to play with them. Many scenes start from 'I like you; let's do something' as much as from 'I want to do this thing with someone'. Finding play partners is like finding dating prospects; you're most likely to find someone to play with when you aren't really looking for a partner, but instead are just making friends.
• Reputation - Be aware of your own reputation. Are you a bottom that tops can safely approach for experience? Would prior play partners recommend playing with you as a good time? Mind how you treat people - both prospective play partners and those you never expect to play with. We all talk to each other - what will people say about you?
• Attitude - Have a positive attitude about your role as a bottom. Be excited about the chance to experience new things. Don't treat yourself negatively; you are a vital part of the scenes you play.

• Education - Learn everything you can about the kind of play you intend to engage in. Be familiar with the equipment, and knowledgeable about the risks you will be taking. Knowing more about the play will help you and help your partner - and may assist you in vetting partners, as well. If you can ask intelligent, relevant questions about their experience, you'll both be better off.
• Being Fit - The better shape you are in physically, the better you will be able to play. Any improvements you can make to your physical fitness will enhance the play you are able to do. Practice good hygiene, as well. You are responsible for taking care of you, and your partner deserves the best you that you can present to them when it's time to play.
• Partner Awareness - Watch your partner play before you scene with them, if possible. Learn about them, check their references. Try to offer them the opportunity to learn about you as well. Understand the experience level you are both bringing to the scene. There's nothing wrong with being inexperienced, as long as the people you are playing with know that. 
• Make the Invitation Easy - Let it be known if you are available for play; a note in your FetLife profile can encourage potential partners to contact you. However, don't wait for someone to invite you to play; you can invite them too. One way to start that conversation is with a soft opening that leaves the ball in their court. "I'm interested in playing with you sometime; if you are also interested, please let me know." Or at the other extreme, you can make it a very clear invitation to give a yes/no to. "I am interested in bottoming to you for this kind of scene. Would you be interested and available to do that Friday night at the club?"

Of course, it all really gets going during negotiations. The worst negotiations start with 'do whatever you want with me'; the best are a partnership of planning. Making that connection early makes it easier to maintain when things get started. 

• Story Creation - Remember that your scene is like a story that you are telling - and you are telling it together. Be part of the planning. Have some ideas about what kind of scene you would like to do. Make suggestions to improve the scene or ideas that might add to the 'story' of the scene.
• Negotiate Fairly - Be honest and clear about your experience level, your boundaries & limits, and your physical abilities. This means having done some work on your own to figure out these things. You can't communicate something you don't know - but who knows you better than you yourself? 
• Be Adventurous, Within Limits - Be prepared to try some things outside of your comfort zone, but also be clear about your boundaries that you will not cross. Be sure you agree on safewords you'll use. And make sure you're familiar with your partner's preferences, expectations, and limits around the scene.
• Bratting, Biting, and other Bonus Behaviors - Be clear about what the tone of the scene will be to see if you should include 'bonus behaviors'. Does your top find brattiness amusing, or does it turn them off? How much fighting back is welcome? Are they expecting you to be relaxed and happy, or do they want to enjoy your suffering? Let them know how these behaviors can be triggered or avoided. Get an idea of how welcome these behaviors are.

The scene you set will be influenced by how you're feeling. How do you feel right now? And what kind of scene are you wanting? Are you prepared for that kind of scene? Will outside factors influence what you want to do?

• Mental/Emotional - In general, how are you feeling today? And how rested are you? If you've had a relaxing day hanging out with friends, you might respond in-scene differently than if you've worked long hours and are feeling drained. Your mood may need to determine, or at least adjust, what kind of scene is good for you at this time. How do you need to play today? Let your top know.
• Physical - Pay attention to your body; take stock of where you're at today, not just generally. Do you have any injuries? Random soreness, maybe from a previous scene? Are you menstruating? Have you gotten a scratch or bump somewhere? Let your partner know. Scars can sometimes be uncomfortable under compression, but move the rope a little and you're good. Have you done more activity today than usual? Maybe you need to consider playing lying down rather than standing. Your partner doesn't want you hurting from something you came in with; they want to do the hurting themselves. Let them know what adjustments will make that happen.
• Environmental - Pay attention to the space where you're playing. Is the music soft or loud? Is it too warm or too cold? How many people are around, and how loud are they being? These things can also affect your play.

• Pain Tolerance - Consider your pain tolerance for the kind of play you are planning, not just play in general. Communicate how your body responds to different things, so your partner can have an idea of what to expect - and what might be a reaction to stop and check on.
• Health - Have any discussions you need to about allergies, STI status, and medications. What kind of medical or psychological conditions apply to you? Research how those might affect your kink-play, and be ready to talk with your partner about those things. If you're on any medications, learn what side effects those might have, and be prepared to manage that. (SSRIs/aspirin = blood thinners). Discuss known triggers & landmines.
• Aftercare - Talk about what you need during aftercare now, before the scene. You may not be able to ask for what you need later. Ask what aftercare needs your top has, too. If your aftercare needs aren't compatible, you may need to line up an alternate person to step in for one of you. Be sure to talk about what kind of check-ins either of you would like over the next few days, too.

Some folks find it useful to have a 'Care & Feeding' writing on FetLife to help them organize their typical negotiation points. It's not only great to show a potential play-partner before you talk, but reading it for yourself can help you remember anything really important for you to cover.

So we've finished negotiations - now we can play, right? Nope, now we've got to set up our scene space with our partner and do any last-minute preparations.

• Be involved in laying out the toys that are about to be used on you. Unless you've negotiated differently, nothing used in a scene should be a surprise. Take this time to make sure everything is clean and in good repair. 
• Some things should be cleaned just before use, like sharps and sex toys. Items that come in contact with body fluids - like sex toys, knives, gags, and blindfolds - can't always be cleaned thoroughly between uses. Sometimes, these should belong personally to the bottom that they are now fluid-bonded to. Yes, bottoms should have their own bag of equipment to be used on them.
• What else should be in a bottom's bag? Aftercare supplies, like a blanket. Lay out anything else you'll need for aftercare, or for clean-up, where it's easily accessible after the scene. Nobody wants to spend their glow-time hunting down cleaning spray.
• You also want to lay out anything you'll need to be more comfortable during the scene. Do you need a blanket to keep warm? A blindfold so you can focus on your scene and not be distracted by the scene next to you? Maybe you need something to stand on or kneel on. After all, your top wants you to be hurting from things they are doing to you, not focusing on how much your feet hurt or how cold you are. Unless that's part of the story you're telling.

Depending on what equipment you're using, you may be able to make it part of your experience.

• Attachment Points - Being tied to the equipment can really add to your scene. Perhaps it makes you unable to move so you can pretend to try and get away, but enjoy the struggle without actually going anywhere. Being bound helps some bottoms receive more pain. The position you're bound in can make you feel more helpless, or more secure.
• Multiple Positions - Move around on the equipment. One thing I love about spanking benches is that yes, I can bend over it in the classic/intended position for spanking, but I can also sit up on it for flogging, or stand and lean over it.
• Obstacle Course - During pretty active heavy-impact scenes, I've also been known to move equipment between myself and a top, or to 'hide' behind equipment, both to be amusing, and to keep them away from me for a second.

Safety is always important. Make sure your scene is as safe as you can make it, so that you can relax during the scene and enjoy what's happening instead of being distracted by worry. So take a look around. Can you make any suggestions to make the scene safer? After all, if someone gets injured, it's likely going to be you. What can you improve?

• Equipment - Look for wear and other safety concerns. Are any bolts loose? Is it clean?
• Spend a moment now, instead of later, imagining what could go wrong. What can you do to be prepared for that? Bring over any safety supplies you might need. And we're talking safety for the space - like a fire extinguisher, safety for the planned scene - like safety shears, and safety for the people playing - like an inhaler.
• If you are playing privately, consider if you have the appropriate Emergency Information for each other, should something go wrong. Do you have access to the other person's legal name and medical information? There are apps on phones that can give access to that information even when it's locked - I suggest setting that up and showing your partner how to access it if needed. Talk about permission to tell EMTs exactly what you've been doing.
• And if you're playing privately, you should also discuss if either or both of you have a safe call set up. Does someone elsewhere know where you're at, who you're with, and have a plan for you checking in with them?
• If you're playing in a public playspace, you probably don't need all that information. Instead, you need to identify who the Playspace Monitor is right now and how get their attention. If you're going to do anything edgy or unusual, this is a good time to let them know.

• Any time you know you'll be playing, be sure to prepare yourself. Don't skip any meals that day; be sure you're well-hydrated. If you are on meds, take them appropriately. Just before the scene, review these things - do you need to down some water?
• Handle anything that might be a distraction from your scene. Go to the bathroom just before you start. Check your phone, then turn it off or put it away so you don't have the urge to check it.
• Stretching - Just before the scene starts, stretch a little. Get the blood flowing, loosen up the body parts that will be played with, and do a final check of your body.
• Settle anything that's on your mind and put it aside so that you can mentally focus only on what you're about to do.

Once the scene begins, follow your top's lead (unless you've negotiated that you will be leading things), and help them make the scene a great experience for both of you. My tips here are skewed toward impact play where the top is in charge, but can be adjusted for most kinds of play. And I've included some tips that are specific to rope, too.

• Cooperation - Follow any directions or orders from your top as much as possible. Hold your body in a position they put you in, unless there's a comfort or safety issue. Lift your chin instead of watching the rope so that you don't get smacked with the ends of the rope. Help them 'tell the story'.
• Body Positioning - Even when you're not actively moving in response to what's happening, body positioning is important to encourage your tops. Some subtle movements of the body can make a huge difference. If they are spanking you, pop that booty out to make a better target. If they are pounding on your shoulders, play with more rounding of your shoulders or less, or arching your back more or less to change how the impacts feel to you both. For heavy impact play, put your body away from the wall/cross/equipment, with elbows slightly bent, to give you spring-room (and protect your nose). Pay attention to where your body weight is; muscles tense to hold you up, and a smack on the leg you are standing on will feel different from a smack on the leg that isn't holding any weight. With rope, minor adjustments to arm position or leaning your head to one side to give them more access can be very helpful.
• Affection - When your top gets in close, moving their hands on you, touching you, respond to their closeness. Nuzzle them, rub your cheek on that hand by your face, or wiggle your butt against them. That touching stuff goes both ways, especially when there's a moan or a giggle that goes with it. For brattier bottoms, a lick or a light nip when they get within reach is fun.

There are ways to add spice to your scene that don't always apply. Make sure it's consensual before you do it.

• Dancing/Singing - Pay attention to the music when you're playing. Maybe you want to dance a little with it, or sing to it while playing. I've had a few incredible duets while being beaten...
• Biting - If your top agrees to biting - start gentle. The first bite should be given slowly with a lot of warning for them to get out of the way first. But if they enjoy it, maybe you include more of that. In primal scenes, of course, there will be a lot more biting in both directions.
• Electricity - If you're attached to a violet wand via a body contact probe, remember that your whole body is now electrified. Reach out and touch someone (your top) when they aren't expecting it. Are they wearing pants with a metal zipper?
• Impact - Depending on the mood of the scene, I've been known to take spoons and other implements away from my tops, then carefully toss them nearby. Be prepared to pay the price for doing so, though. And treat the implement with respect.
• Fighting Back - Definitely get agreement on this one first, but if your top wants to kick and punch, maybe they are agreeable to you fighting back. Of course, you probably want to lose this fight, but make them work for it.
• Trash Talk - Some play-partners trash-talk each other throughout the scene. If done in a sense of fun and respect, it can be delightful. But you need to be careful not to cross any lines.

• Monitoring - Pay attention to how you are handling the play that's happening. Test the circulation in hands and feet often, and let your top see you do so. When a top checks in, take a moment to consider what your status is before answering, and then answer honestly. 'I'm fine' is usually not a helpful response. Listen to your own noises. Learn which of your sounds mean 'I want more' and which mean 'be careful'. You'll recognize these before your top will. Use those cues to know when you should encourage them or give them body language to cool things a bit.
• Troubleshooting - Sometimes you may need to adjust your body so the blows land better - perhaps rounding your shoulders, or stepping forward or back a bit. Be careful not to move in such a way that your top's blows are suddenly falling on a danger zone (spine, tailbone, etc.). You may be able to stretch a bound limb somewhat to prevent cramping. Flexing and stretching while holding your general position keeps you limber and responsive.

• Noises - During a scene, one of the biggest ways to connect is to make a lot of noise. Don't try to force the noises; just don't stop them from happening naturally as you process sensation. If you have the urge to moan, or giggle, or curse, let it happen. And make sure they can hear it. If they respond well to it, reward them with happy noises. If they don't, amp up your volume.
• Laughing - Many bottoms will giggle while processing pain, or outright laugh. Even better if you can get your top laughing with you - or at you, both work. I've had to call scenes because we were both laughing too hard to continue, and it was great.
• Talking - Tell them if you need that wrap moved up or down a bit. If something doesn't feel great, pause things and let them know - maybe that spot doesn't want to be hit tonight. Ask for more of something you're really enjoying. Communicating how they can safely do things builds their confidence, and makes you both have a better time.

You say a lot of things by the way you move your body. Tell your partner how things are going, without saying a word.

• Responsiveness - Let your body react naturally to the the sensations you are feeling. There's no need to exaggerate or to fake it, but don't suppress your reactions, either. Receive the energy and sensation and reflect it back in whatever way is natural to you. I'm a really active, moving bottom. So when things are feeling great, you'll see me swaying with the impacts. When something surprises me, my body will jerk in response.
• Distancing - When something feels good, you naturally want to move toward it. Your whole body says 'give me more'. But when it's not so pleasant, you'll probably move away from it. I find that I step up on tiptoes sometimes, as well as pushing myself up against the wall or equipment. With a flogger or whip, be careful not to shift so much that it changes where you get hit. Make it a gradual move.

• Processing Pain - As things get heavy and you're struggling to process pain, certain movements will 'distract the brain' and let you get into a rhythm for managing the sensation. I find that I'll often bend a knee and wiggle my toes to help me process. For more sudden impacts that are hard for me, I may punch the wall I'm leaning on or stomp my foot. Focus on your breathing, too - slow even breathing, or hard blowing out may help.
• Wait Cues - Pay attention to how you naturally tell your top to back off or hold on for a moment. Those tiptoes, squeaky noises, rapid breathing or holding one's breath, or even just holding a hand up are all actions that let your top know you're struggling to process what's happening.  Many bottoms get non-verbal as they get deep into a scene, so these body-language cues are important. But if your top doesn't immediately pick up on these cues, you may need to call yellow and tell them what you are observing. Especially if they are new to topping, or new to topping you.

• Rubbing It Out - Sometimes a blow hits poorly. A flogger wraps, an impact swings lower than expected, or you moved at the wrong time. Instead of stopping the scene entirely to let the top know about that, I find that rubbing the area that got the bad feeling both makes it feel better, and gives the top the message that they need to adjust to keep from hitting there again. (Bonus tip for tops - you can 'rub out' bad hits you know you've made, too. That tells the bottom that you noticed the mistake without interrupting the scene.)
• Listen to Cues - Your top gives you feedback/communication too. If you call them an ugly name (because that hurt, dammit) and they stop for a second before picking up more gently, maybe they didn't like that one. But if they growl back or say 'Oh, yeah, you like that?', they are giving you a lead. Play the game together.
• Don't Be A Doormat - Responsibility for your well-being is on you. Don't continue with a scene that isn't working. If something isn't going well, or it's too much for you, don't just continue to take it; call a halt. Use your safeword, or just talk to your partner. Work with your top to change it, instead.

Once you have finished a scene, talking it out with your partner, either right away or much later, helps keep that connection flowing for next time.

• Value - Thank your top for all the hard work they did. And let them thank you for the work you've put into the scene, too.
• Reassurance - They may need to hear about how happy you are with the scene and be reassured they aren't just an awful person. This is especially true if the scene was more intense than usual or they were particularly mean. Or if they are inexperienced in topping (or in topping this kind of scene). Or if there were some 'bad hits' or other unexpected things that happened during your scene. This is your chance to remind your top that this was an experienced you shared together.

• Feedback - Compliment their skill with something, or the care they took to make you feel safe - or pleasantly unsafe, as the case may be. And if they want it, offer a suggestion for room for improvement. You may have a few things to talk about now, and more feedback a few days later.
• Marks - If you have any marks, showing off pictures of them might be fun for both of you. Ask if they want to see pictures later, and how it's okay to send them. Be conscious that you are sharing pictures of your body with someone else, and that means you don't control what they do with them afterward.
• Planning - Collaborate on some ideas for 'next time', if you'd like to play with them again. And use that conversation to gauge if they want to play with you again.

In summary... The bottom in a scene is every bit as important as the top, and should be helping to tell the story. Work on making yourself the kind of bottom tops want to partner up with. When you negotiate, you're planning out the story together - share information and get excited together. Then make sure everything is as safe and ready before starting. During the scene, participate fully and constantly give lots of feedback, both verbal nd non-verbal. When the scene is over, let your partner know how much you value them and their efforts, and make sure everyone gets the reassurance and attention they need.

Thank you for letting me share my experience with you. Please feel free to find and follow me on FetLife, and share my teaching links where appropriate. You can find them all through my Linktree - this teaching blog, my teaching Facebook page, and my email.