Before you start any scene, some self-introspection is important. What kind of play do you want to do? And what kind of play do you NOT want to do? Where are your boundaries or restrictions around play?
When we're talking about kinds of play, we'll often talk about BDSM - Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadomasochism. Bondage refers to restraining someone in a variety of ways - rope is the most popular, but there are other methods of restraint, too, including just ordering someone to be still! Discipline may refer to punishments- or 'funishments', but also refers to the self-discipline appropriate to someone who wants to participate in BDSM. Dominance and Submission are about control and power exchange. There are rules of behavior and protocols to follow. And Sadomasochism means pain-play. Sadomasochistic play can mean a little pain or a lot. Sensation is the key to generating reactions and feelings.
But we really go beyond B/D, D/s, and S/M when we talk about BDSM. The term also includes all kinds of fantasy fulfillment, fetish exploration, and roleplay. And of course, it also may include sex. Or it may not, depending on the people involved and the type of scene it is.
We might also talk about what 'flavor' of sensation is desired from BDSM play. Thuddy sensations go deep and are felt in the muscle (like a punch), while stingy sensations are on the skin (like a slap). Sharp sensations come from needles and knives and fingernails. And then there are all kinds of play that don't really fit into any of those categories, like electricity and fire and bondage.
Before you start to play, you need to think about which of these elements you want to include in your scene. A rope scene between me and my boy will include bondage, some giving of orders, probably sensual painplay, maybe some thuddy impact play. But a heavy play scene with someone else might involve a lot of impact play, both thuddy and stingy, with less D/s and probably no bondage.
You'll also want to examine what kind of role you want to play in a scene, and what kind of role any other participants will play.
Who's going to be the Top and who's going to be the Bottom? Remember the Top is the one doing the action, and the Bottom receives it. Will there be any power exchange in your scene? The Dominant participant will decide what happens next; that's often the Top, but not always. Not every scene has a D/s element, and it can be a small part of the scene, with the Dominant participant deciding what toy will be used next, or it can be a very large part of the scene, with the sub counting off strokes and/or following orders.
In addition, what kind of roles are you 'scripting' for the scene? Are you looking at a scene where the big mean sadist wrecks the sobbing target? Or maybe Daddy gives his Little a loving sweet spanking? Or does the clever rigger tie a bratty bottom up and dare them to escape? The tone of a scene may determine what other elements you want to bring into it.
Who's going to be the Top and who's going to be the Bottom? Remember the Top is the one doing the action, and the Bottom receives it. Will there be any power exchange in your scene? The Dominant participant will decide what happens next; that's often the Top, but not always. Not every scene has a D/s element, and it can be a small part of the scene, with the Dominant participant deciding what toy will be used next, or it can be a very large part of the scene, with the sub counting off strokes and/or following orders.
In addition, what kind of roles are you 'scripting' for the scene? Are you looking at a scene where the big mean sadist wrecks the sobbing target? Or maybe Daddy gives his Little a loving sweet spanking? Or does the clever rigger tie a bratty bottom up and dare them to escape? The tone of a scene may determine what other elements you want to bring into it.
Of course, BDSM play also requires full, explicit, informed, engaged consent, which can be withdrawn at any time by anyone involved. Consent is the difference between play and abuse.
- Consent should be Freely Given - you have to have a 'yes' without any coercion, knowing that a 'no' would stop everything
- Consent must be Reversible. Anyone involved in a scene at any time can withdraw their consent.
- Consent must be Informed. Everyone must understand what they are consenting to. That means being aware of steps involved, safety risks, and potential healing issues.
- Consent should be Enthusiastic/Engaged. "Yeah I guess that's okay" isn't consent. "Yes, let's do it!" is good enthusiastic consent. But as an alternative to 'Enthusiastic', we've begun using 'Engaged', instead. Someone who is engaged is actively consenting to something, even if they don't want it really. For instance, if a Dom is punishing a sub who has broken some rule, the sub doesn't have to fake being excited about the scene, but they should be able to fully agree that they are consenting to it.
- Consent must be Specific (Explicit). Not just "yes, I'll do some kind of scene with you", but "yes, I want to do this kind of scene with you, here, tonight."
An important concept around consent is Limits. You should have a good idea of what your limits are - at least what they are now - before you come to negotiate with someone. A Hard Limit is something that you will not do and/or you will not have done to you. These are absolute 'NO's. We assume that certain things are Hard Limits - children, animals, and dead people cannot consent, so they are not allowed. Other Hard Limits we can probably assume are amputation and mutilation. But in a more realistic sense, you probably have things that you are simply not willing to do within a BDSM scene. And your list will be unique to you, based on experiences and interests you have.
Whereas a Hard Limit is an absolute 'NO', a Soft Limit is more along the lines of "No, I won't do that. I mean, except in this special case". Soft Limits are things that you might rarely do, but in most situations they aren't even to be considered. Often, certain levels of sex or intimacy are Soft Limits. Certain toys are also often found on someone's Soft Limit list, or certain body parts they don't want played with.
Various types of Edge Play are often Hard or Soft Limits - a very good idea, as these are things you should think very carefully about and trust your partner for. When we talk about Edge Play, we are including anything that has an increased risk to the people participating in it. Edge Play activities are things that, under catastrophic failure, could result in death, not just a trip to the hospital. When Edge Play scenes go wrong, they goes very wrong. So they should be done more deliberately and with more education and preparation. And really should be reserved for more experienced players.
Every place you play at will have their own House Limits of things that are and are not allowed. You need to find out what they are; public playspaces will usually have them posted somewhere. Often the invitation to the party will include these house limits, or you could inquire from your host before deciding to go.
Once you have an idea of what kind of kink play you want to do, you need to learn more about that kind of play. Good play partners are always looking at education around their play and around how to improve safety and reduce risks.
The things we do in the context of a BDSM scene carry risks of doing damage to someone - harming them. Hurting someone, creating sensation that the mind struggles with processing, is part of what we do. But we must always strive to avoid harming someone. I define 'harm' as something that is likely to result in going to a healthcare professional (physical or mental) - or should result in a visit to a healthcare professional. The goal of BDSM play is to hurt, but not harm. The Top in a scene has a responsibility to ensure, as much as possible, the safety of their partner, themselves, and anyone else nearby. The Bottom in a scene is also responsible for thinking about safety, especially their own.
One way to increase your 'safety profile' is simply to learn more. Learn various techniques of the kind of play you are doing - learn from books and videos and other players. Learn some anatomy and first aid skills so you know more about what can go wrong and what to do about it. If you're a Top, try bottoming to the thing you're doing so you know how it feels. If you're a Bottom, learn about topping the thing you're doing so you understand what kind of effort goes into it. Talk to your play partners and other BDSM players. Talk to people about what has gone wrong in their own scenes. Go to classes - even if they are on topics you aren't interested in. You'll learn something anyway.
Once you have some ideas of what can go wrong, you'll have some informed Safety Awareness. Then it's just a matter of applying what you've learned:
Okay, so you've learned about BDSM activities and how to do them with less risk, you've decided what you do - and don't - want to do, now what? Well, you need someone to do them with.
In the vanilla world, we are taught to expect one person to be everything to us by default. But in the BDSM/Kink world, we develop relationships with many people that are all different. We have friends that are play partners - and many that aren't. We have romantic partners and sexual partners that may or may not be the same people. We might have various D/s relationships that may or may not include sceneplay.
Which means that you might have long-term well-developed relationships with someone you are romantically and sexually involved with, and maybe even one of you is collared to the other. But you might also have play partners that you meet at a playspace, play that night, and may have little to no contact outside that event. Or anywhere in between those extremes.
So how do you start playing with someone that you don't already have a relationship with? Tell them you'd like to do a scene with them, and see how they respond. You can leave it open for sometime in the future, and start planning the scene together, or you can ask about doing a scene right now (we call this pick-up play). When making an invitation, it's good to give them some details about what you'd like to do with them so they can decide if it interests them. Be respectful; don't make any demands - just make a low-pressure offer. If you're shy about asking in public, a polite message over FetLife is good. Some ways I ask people to play:
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But let's say you get a "yes". Now what? Most BDSM scenes follow a similar pattern. We start by negotiating what's going to happen in the scene. We start the play slowly with a warm-up, then build up to doing whatever it is we've planned on. After a while, we cool down to a stop. We do some aftercare to take care of each other, and we clean up the space that we've used.
Negotiations are about holding some sort of dialogue to make an agreement about who is doing what to whom, and how and when they are doing it, and addressing any concerns either party has about doing so.
Whereas a Hard Limit is an absolute 'NO', a Soft Limit is more along the lines of "No, I won't do that. I mean, except in this special case". Soft Limits are things that you might rarely do, but in most situations they aren't even to be considered. Often, certain levels of sex or intimacy are Soft Limits. Certain toys are also often found on someone's Soft Limit list, or certain body parts they don't want played with.
Various types of Edge Play are often Hard or Soft Limits - a very good idea, as these are things you should think very carefully about and trust your partner for. When we talk about Edge Play, we are including anything that has an increased risk to the people participating in it. Edge Play activities are things that, under catastrophic failure, could result in death, not just a trip to the hospital. When Edge Play scenes go wrong, they goes very wrong. So they should be done more deliberately and with more education and preparation. And really should be reserved for more experienced players.
Every place you play at will have their own House Limits of things that are and are not allowed. You need to find out what they are; public playspaces will usually have them posted somewhere. Often the invitation to the party will include these house limits, or you could inquire from your host before deciding to go.
Once you have an idea of what kind of kink play you want to do, you need to learn more about that kind of play. Good play partners are always looking at education around their play and around how to improve safety and reduce risks.
The things we do in the context of a BDSM scene carry risks of doing damage to someone - harming them. Hurting someone, creating sensation that the mind struggles with processing, is part of what we do. But we must always strive to avoid harming someone. I define 'harm' as something that is likely to result in going to a healthcare professional (physical or mental) - or should result in a visit to a healthcare professional. The goal of BDSM play is to hurt, but not harm. The Top in a scene has a responsibility to ensure, as much as possible, the safety of their partner, themselves, and anyone else nearby. The Bottom in a scene is also responsible for thinking about safety, especially their own.
One way to increase your 'safety profile' is simply to learn more. Learn various techniques of the kind of play you are doing - learn from books and videos and other players. Learn some anatomy and first aid skills so you know more about what can go wrong and what to do about it. If you're a Top, try bottoming to the thing you're doing so you know how it feels. If you're a Bottom, learn about topping the thing you're doing so you understand what kind of effort goes into it. Talk to your play partners and other BDSM players. Talk to people about what has gone wrong in their own scenes. Go to classes - even if they are on topics you aren't interested in. You'll learn something anyway.
Once you have some ideas of what can go wrong, you'll have some informed Safety Awareness. Then it's just a matter of applying what you've learned:
- Before you scene, look around at your setup and think about what could go wrong and how you'd handle it. Have emergency supplies nearby. Have aftercare supplies ready
- Think about how your environment will affect your scene - is it hot, or cold, or noisy? Who else is playing nearby? Will their noises affect your scene?
- Take a moment to consider yourself and your play partner(s). How is everyone feeling, mentally and physically? A bad day at work will affect your play, as will being hungry, having a headache, not sleeping well, and so on. If anyone's had alcohol or any kind of drugs or medication, that will affect your scene. For instance, aspirin is a blood thinner - that will affect bleeding and bruising.
- If you haven't played with someone before, or don't know them well, you might consider asking around about them to see what others' experiences with them are. We call this 'checking references'. Ask multiple people that you trust. A Dungeon Monitor at your local playspace, if available, is often a good resource.
- If you aren't playing in a public playspace, you might consider setting up a Safe Call. Make sure a trusted person knows where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with. Plan for you to check in with them, and plan what to do if you miss a check-in.
- And remember, no matter what you're doing, or with whom, no matter what you've agreed to, you can ALWAYS withdraw your consent at any time and end the scene. That's your ultimate safety measure.
In the vanilla world, we are taught to expect one person to be everything to us by default. But in the BDSM/Kink world, we develop relationships with many people that are all different. We have friends that are play partners - and many that aren't. We have romantic partners and sexual partners that may or may not be the same people. We might have various D/s relationships that may or may not include sceneplay.
Which means that you might have long-term well-developed relationships with someone you are romantically and sexually involved with, and maybe even one of you is collared to the other. But you might also have play partners that you meet at a playspace, play that night, and may have little to no contact outside that event. Or anywhere in between those extremes.
So how do you start playing with someone that you don't already have a relationship with? Tell them you'd like to do a scene with them, and see how they respond. You can leave it open for sometime in the future, and start planning the scene together, or you can ask about doing a scene right now (we call this pick-up play). When making an invitation, it's good to give them some details about what you'd like to do with them so they can decide if it interests them. Be respectful; don't make any demands - just make a low-pressure offer. If you're shy about asking in public, a polite message over FetLife is good. Some ways I ask people to play:
- We've been talking about X kind of play - do you want to try it together?
- I heard you're really good at X - would you do that with me sometime?
- I've seen you doing X in a scene. Can I talk to you about doing that kind of play?
- I saw that toy you had out earlier. Could I see it? Would you hit me with it/let me hit you with it?
- I want to know more about X - can you teach me about it?
- I like you and would like to play with you - what kind of play would you like to do?
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But let's say you get a "yes". Now what? Most BDSM scenes follow a similar pattern. We start by negotiating what's going to happen in the scene. We start the play slowly with a warm-up, then build up to doing whatever it is we've planned on. After a while, we cool down to a stop. We do some aftercare to take care of each other, and we clean up the space that we've used.
Negotiations are about holding some sort of dialogue to make an agreement about who is doing what to whom, and how and when they are doing it, and addressing any concerns either party has about doing so.
There are different ways to negotiate a scene. Some really amount to some general information-gathering and preparation for more specific negotiations. You can find negotiation checklists available all over the internet. These are really helpful for doing some self-introspection, but can be a bit unwieldy to use for actual negotiations. I (and many other people) have a writing on my FetLife profile for prospective partners to read as a general guideline to negotiating with me. Or maybe someone writes a story about their fantasy scene or finds a story with elements they like and show it to their partner. These are ways to get ideas for the scene and open up negotiations.
But the negotiation for the specific scene will probably be just a conversation. Talk about what you'd like to do and what you don't want done. Often we pair this conversation with looking at the contents of a toybag - I call that 'Show & Tell' negotiations. This allows both parties to think about what is and isn't 'on the table' for this scene, and gives everyone something to focus on and do with their hands while they talk about more serious things like personal boundaries and desires.
Not every negotiation will be the same. Each will need to cover specifics about the scene. If you're new to playing with one another, your negotiations should be a lot more drawn out and cover more territory. But with a familiar play partner, your negotiation may be much shorter. For instance, with my dominant, our negotiations generally cover what play station we want to use, how is my body feeling today, and whether he'll be nicer or meaner.
Some things are pretty important to settle out for each scene, pretty consistently. Who is playing, and what are their roles? What else do you need to know about each other as play partners? What kind of experience does each person have with the kinds of things you'll be doing? When and where are you playing? These are just general outlines to establish.
What kind of scene will you be doing? Impact play, sensual play, trampling, electrical play, roleplay, service, floor rope, suspension? Maybe a mix of some of the above? If there is impact, will it be more thuddy or stingy, heavy or light? What parts of the body may be hit? Most scenes focus on either the back, the butt, the front, or a combination. Discuss hard and soft limits of both the Top and the Bottom, and what toys can be used. I like to group toys as 'Yes', 'No', and 'Yes/No', meaning my Top can use them, but I don't expect to like them, so they should be careful about them.
And talk about sex. Even if you don't expect sex to be part of the scene, explicit state whether or not sex can be part of the scene. Because sometimes another kind of play turns into hot sexy feelings, and you should discuss if those feelings may be acted upon. And talk about what that means. Is kissing your partner okay? What about caressing breasts or genitals? Insertion of inanimate objects, vibrator on genitals, fingering, blow jobs, penis-inserted intercourse? What's your condom policy? We all draw different lines with different partners, so find out where they are. And if you don't cover sex, then get those sexy feelings, then it's too late. But you can add that to negotiations the next time you play with that partner!
Other things you ought to talk about, but might skip in some cases, especially where you've played with this person before. Talk about safewords and signals. Our local community generally uses the 'stoplight system' - Red is a full stop, Yellow is time to check in and talk about what's going on, and Green is keep going. Because those are colors are simple to remember and easy to know what they mean. But you can use your own safewords you choose, or a movement or hand signal, or use a drop item, or 'tap out' when you've had enough. It doesn't matter what safewords you use; what matters is that everyone in the scene knows what they are and what they mean.
Talk about why you're playing and what you want to get out of the scene. Maybe you've had a bad day and want to focus intensely on play. Or maybe this is foreplay before going home (or staying there) for sex. As a Top, I sometimes ask my Bottom, "Do you hope to be laughing or crying when this is over?"
You'll want to discuss the Bottom's typical pain tolerance with the kind of play you're going to be doing. Every Top does it a little differently, and each scene is unique as far as where the Bottom's tolerance is, based on their water intake, sleep schedule, stress, activity, monthly cycle, etc.
Are marks okay, or should they be avoided - or sought out? And where are marks okay? A paddle-inflicted bruise on your butt should be invisible to coworkers; a knife scratch on the upper arm can be explained away; teeth marks on the forearm are pretty undeniable. We usually try to keep marks where they are covered by tee-shirts and shorts. And remember that marks sometimes don't do what you want - be prepared for 'oops' to happen.
What kind of aftercare do you (as a Bottom or a Top) usually need? Lots of aftercare, or a quick wipe-up and you're done? Do you have everything available you might need? (We'll talk about aftercare a bit more later.)
And finally, talk about any medical concerns. Any of these factors may change your scene, so everyone involved needs to be aware of them. If these medical concerns apply to you, you are responsible for sharing the information to protect yourself and your play partner(s). They can be uncomfortable to talk about at first, but it's really just need-to-know information.
Once you've decided where the boundaries are for your scene together, it's time to actually get started. Of course, we don't just start off flailing and pounding on one another. We start by warming up. Just like stretching before exercise or foreplay before sex, let's set the scene up for success by easing into it. Some people like lots of warm-up for their scenes; other people want a quick warm-up to get started.
As you're playing, it's important to manage your scene. A scene shouldn't maintain the same intensity throughout; it should vary, generally building overall, with many 'dips' to recover and prepare for the next round. Ideally, each peak should be a little more intense that the previous one as you build, giving the bottom a way to process the sensation. Sensation that's too spread out results in the bottom completely processing it, then having to start over for the next 'round'. But sensation that's too close together quickly becomes overwhelming, with no time to process in-between strikes. So find a rhythm that works for you both.
But the negotiation for the specific scene will probably be just a conversation. Talk about what you'd like to do and what you don't want done. Often we pair this conversation with looking at the contents of a toybag - I call that 'Show & Tell' negotiations. This allows both parties to think about what is and isn't 'on the table' for this scene, and gives everyone something to focus on and do with their hands while they talk about more serious things like personal boundaries and desires.
Not every negotiation will be the same. Each will need to cover specifics about the scene. If you're new to playing with one another, your negotiations should be a lot more drawn out and cover more territory. But with a familiar play partner, your negotiation may be much shorter. For instance, with my dominant, our negotiations generally cover what play station we want to use, how is my body feeling today, and whether he'll be nicer or meaner.
Some things are pretty important to settle out for each scene, pretty consistently. Who is playing, and what are their roles? What else do you need to know about each other as play partners? What kind of experience does each person have with the kinds of things you'll be doing? When and where are you playing? These are just general outlines to establish.
What kind of scene will you be doing? Impact play, sensual play, trampling, electrical play, roleplay, service, floor rope, suspension? Maybe a mix of some of the above? If there is impact, will it be more thuddy or stingy, heavy or light? What parts of the body may be hit? Most scenes focus on either the back, the butt, the front, or a combination. Discuss hard and soft limits of both the Top and the Bottom, and what toys can be used. I like to group toys as 'Yes', 'No', and 'Yes/No', meaning my Top can use them, but I don't expect to like them, so they should be careful about them.
And talk about sex. Even if you don't expect sex to be part of the scene, explicit state whether or not sex can be part of the scene. Because sometimes another kind of play turns into hot sexy feelings, and you should discuss if those feelings may be acted upon. And talk about what that means. Is kissing your partner okay? What about caressing breasts or genitals? Insertion of inanimate objects, vibrator on genitals, fingering, blow jobs, penis-inserted intercourse? What's your condom policy? We all draw different lines with different partners, so find out where they are. And if you don't cover sex, then get those sexy feelings, then it's too late. But you can add that to negotiations the next time you play with that partner!
Other things you ought to talk about, but might skip in some cases, especially where you've played with this person before. Talk about safewords and signals. Our local community generally uses the 'stoplight system' - Red is a full stop, Yellow is time to check in and talk about what's going on, and Green is keep going. Because those are colors are simple to remember and easy to know what they mean. But you can use your own safewords you choose, or a movement or hand signal, or use a drop item, or 'tap out' when you've had enough. It doesn't matter what safewords you use; what matters is that everyone in the scene knows what they are and what they mean.
Talk about why you're playing and what you want to get out of the scene. Maybe you've had a bad day and want to focus intensely on play. Or maybe this is foreplay before going home (or staying there) for sex. As a Top, I sometimes ask my Bottom, "Do you hope to be laughing or crying when this is over?"
You'll want to discuss the Bottom's typical pain tolerance with the kind of play you're going to be doing. Every Top does it a little differently, and each scene is unique as far as where the Bottom's tolerance is, based on their water intake, sleep schedule, stress, activity, monthly cycle, etc.
Are marks okay, or should they be avoided - or sought out? And where are marks okay? A paddle-inflicted bruise on your butt should be invisible to coworkers; a knife scratch on the upper arm can be explained away; teeth marks on the forearm are pretty undeniable. We usually try to keep marks where they are covered by tee-shirts and shorts. And remember that marks sometimes don't do what you want - be prepared for 'oops' to happen.
What kind of aftercare do you (as a Bottom or a Top) usually need? Lots of aftercare, or a quick wipe-up and you're done? Do you have everything available you might need? (We'll talk about aftercare a bit more later.)
And finally, talk about any medical concerns. Any of these factors may change your scene, so everyone involved needs to be aware of them. If these medical concerns apply to you, you are responsible for sharing the information to protect yourself and your play partner(s). They can be uncomfortable to talk about at first, but it's really just need-to-know information.
- Allergies might be relevant, especially with allergies to latex or adhesives. Grass allergies could impact rope scenes.
- Talk about sexually-transmitted diseases/infections. If you carry (or think you might carry) any risk, talk to your partner about what steps need to be taken to keep from sharing.
- If you have any injuries, joint issues, or other physical limitations, now's the time to mention them so you can both plan around them.
- If you have taken any drugs (legal, illegal, alcohol), that will also impact your play. Aspirin and other blood thinners will affect your bleeding and bruising. Other drugs can change how well you feel pain and how well you process it. Mind-affecting drugs may affect the validity of your consent.
- Does anyone have any physical health conditions that could affect or be affected by play? Do you have your inhaler, nitro pills, sugar tabs, clotting pen, etc. available?
- Triggers are things that elicit a very positive or very negative response in someone. You probably have some triggers you know about, and others you don't. Tell your play partner about any you know about, and discuss if you want to purposely use them or avoid them. If you have any mental conditions that might be relevant, now's the time to talk about that, too.
Once you've decided where the boundaries are for your scene together, it's time to actually get started. Of course, we don't just start off flailing and pounding on one another. We start by warming up. Just like stretching before exercise or foreplay before sex, let's set the scene up for success by easing into it. Some people like lots of warm-up for their scenes; other people want a quick warm-up to get started.
I find the most important part of warm-up to be skin-to-skin contact. The top should put their hands on the bottom as they get started. This creates a feeling of connectivity between the people playing and sets the players in a frame of mind to be playing. The top should touch all the places they intend to do things to the bottom - rubbing, kneading, tapping, patting, and scratching the skin. While doing all this touching, you're feeling for any flinching or damage to the body, and you're also bringing the blood up to the surface. That makes the play more pleasurable and also easier to process. Cold skin doesn't like to be hit. And the temperature of the skin is a literal thing. When you have warmed up your bottom, you will feel that the skin is warmer where you want to hit them than in other places, and you will probably also see that it is pinker, too.
Warming up is also important for the top, to get muscles ready to move and play. There is nothing sexy about a top swinging an implement and crying 'ow' before they've even made contact!
So where should you be touching and warming up? Where is it okay to play? Anywhere on the body can be played with, depending on what you are doing. But certain areas are 'better' or 'worse', especially in regards to impact play.
Fleshy areas with bones underneath are good for hitting. Most impact scenes will focus on the shoulders, the lower butt, breasts, or some combination of the above. Feel these areas, and where you feel a lot of flesh, you should be able to dish out more intense sensations. Don't forget the arms and legs for play - but be more aware of marking there.
Some more tender areas may be fleshy, but have little bone structure or delicate bone structure underneath, like the belly or face. Be careful hitting these areas - start softly and work your way up. And you should talk about these areas during negotiation; face-slapping in particular is a trigger for many people. Bottoms with martial arts training may be more prepared for hits to the stomach. Stingy implements tend to be more successful in these areas instead of thuddy ones. And genitals are, of course, very sensitive and fun to stimulate.
Other areas are generally just a bad idea to hit. Anywhere there is very little flesh covering bone, joints, or nerves should be avoided when hitting with any kind of force. The skull, spine, and tailbone are especially important to avoid. If you are hitting on the back, hit to either side instead of on the spine. Floggers going across the spine at an angle are okay, as the impact is spread out, but heavier tools with a smaller impact area should be aimed away from the spine. When spanking, placing your inactive hand over the tailbone will improve your aim and reassure your bottom.
Once you're all warmed up, it's time to move into the real action of the scene. Whatever it is you've negotiated doing... do it! Stay within the boundaries of what you've agreed upon, and make sure you both have a good time.
As you're playing, it's important to manage your scene. A scene shouldn't maintain the same intensity throughout; it should vary, generally building overall, with many 'dips' to recover and prepare for the next round. Ideally, each peak should be a little more intense that the previous one as you build, giving the bottom a way to process the sensation. Sensation that's too spread out results in the bottom completely processing it, then having to start over for the next 'round'. But sensation that's too close together quickly becomes overwhelming, with no time to process in-between strikes. So find a rhythm that works for you both.
Many players respond well to varying the scene with the music, picking up the beat for impacts, and easing off between songs. If you are using multiple implements, taking turns between thuddy toys and stingy toys is often helpful - when the songs change is a good time to do that. Rhythmic movements are easier for a bottom to predict and process; erratic movements are more challenging and will escalate the intensity more quickly.
With an established play partner, you may be able to read each other well using body language and vocalizations. With someone less established, especially if either the partner or the type of play is new to one or both of you, it's often helpful to check in frequently. One way to do this is to ask for a color - red/yellow/green, or just to talk normally with each other about how it's going. For trying to manage the intensity of impacts, using a 1 to 10 scale may be helpful, with 1 being 'I can barely feel that', and 10 being 'I'm calling Red to stop', thus 9 being a 'yellow'. During negotiations, discuss whether you want an intense scene at 7 and 8, or a fluffy happy scene at 3-4, or something in between. Then check in, asking where the play is falling. One bottom's 4 may be their top's 7, or vice versa.
With an established play partner, you may be able to read each other well using body language and vocalizations. With someone less established, especially if either the partner or the type of play is new to one or both of you, it's often helpful to check in frequently. One way to do this is to ask for a color - red/yellow/green, or just to talk normally with each other about how it's going. For trying to manage the intensity of impacts, using a 1 to 10 scale may be helpful, with 1 being 'I can barely feel that', and 10 being 'I'm calling Red to stop', thus 9 being a 'yellow'. During negotiations, discuss whether you want an intense scene at 7 and 8, or a fluffy happy scene at 3-4, or something in between. Then check in, asking where the play is falling. One bottom's 4 may be their top's 7, or vice versa.
If something is unexpectedly a higher number, or gets a bad reaction, either person playing may decide to take it 'off the table'. Or maybe one of the people playing just decides they really don't want to do something they agreed was okay earlier. It is absolutely okay to revoke your consent for that one activity, toy, or behavior. When we say you can't negotiate during a scene, we mean that you should never add things to the agreement. But it is perfectly fine to remove possibilities and the consent that goes with them. You can renegotiate Down, but not Up.
We talk more in the Dungeon Essentials presentation about how to be a good guest at a play party, whether you're in a scene or not. But let's consider how to be a good guest who is playing in a BDSM scene at a play party.
Once your scene has reached its intended peak, you don't just stop cold turkey. Like cooling off after exercising, or cuddling up after sex, there's a cooldown period that may be similar to the warm-up period. Gradually use gentler implements and slow down the processing of sensations. Touch all those ouchy spots again, and savor the heat coming off of them (this is also a chance to see if any first aid might be needed - maybe a bandaid, or some massage oil to soothe the spot). Mentally prepare yourself and your partner for coming to the end of the scene.
Possibly during the main part of the scene, but even more likely during the cooldown, one or both partners may find some headspace. They may become mentally 'fuzzy' or 'floaty', or maybe just very giggly or extremely turned on. This is chemically fairly similar to being drunk or high. Which means that the partner hitting that headspace is in a vulnerable state - this is not the time to discuss anything outside what was previously negotiated. Both tops and bottoms can get spacey, though hopefully only one at a time, so that the other can be responsible! Everyone's headspace is a little different, and there's no guarantees that it will happen at all. But if your partner is extremely pleasant and happy, enjoy it with them, and look after them.
Immediately after the scene, partners need to take care of each other. Part of this is also resetting the connection they've shared back to a more usual state. Bottoms often undress to play, and they may become cold very quickly once everything stops. Be sure to get clothes or a blanket on them to keep their body temperature up. Many people want to cuddle with the person they just played with. This is a chance for Tops to tell their Bottoms they did a great job taking whatever they just did, and a chance for Bottoms to reassure their Tops that they enjoyed the scene and the Top isn't a horrible person for being so mean. This can really be important for new tops, to know that enjoying hurting someone isn't a bad thing. Getting some water intake after a scene is a great way to help your body and mind reset, too. And many people need to go to the bathroom after a scene. If first aid is needed, taking care of that now is good, while they are still feeling good.
Later, after cleanup is handled, partners may want to stay nearby for a while, continuing to enjoy the bond they've made during their scene. Smokers may want to go have a cigarette. Many people need to get a bite of sugar or protein to help restore them. And lots more cuddling and talking about the scene they just had or about other things will help with resetting, too. Players may also want to exchange phone numbers so they can follow up with one another during the next couple of days.
Unfortunately, what does up, does often come back down. After having a big scene and creating all kinds of chemical happiness, your brain and body may have some withdrawal reaction later - we call this drop. Drop can happen almost immediately after a scene, but typically strikes over the next two or three days, and can take many forms:
- A Top may feel guilty for having inflicted pain on someone (even if they wanted it).
- A Bottom may feel 'wrong' for having enjoyed the degradation inflicted on them.
- A player may be depressed and feel unwanted.
- A Bottom may gleefully show off marks and be hurt if others aren't as thrilled about them.
- A Bottom may have more soreness than expected and have negative feelings about that.
- A player may feel helpless to help their partner deal with drop.
All of these feelings are perfectly normal, and should go away after some time passes. Taking care of yourself is the best way to help them pass. Have that extra chocolate - and drink some extra water with it. Don't skip any meals or sleep. Physical activity will help - sex counts. Contact the person you played with or other kinksters for support and reassurance. Recognizing that you're dropping is sometimes the most important part for getting through it.
But before you can get to the next day's aftercare and drop, remember to clean up after your scene. Both partners are responsible for cleaning up themselves and their own toys. You can clean up the space you used together, or whoever is the most able can do it - or have their sub do it, if that's an option. Regardless, leave the space clean and ready for the next people that want to play there. If you're playing in a public space and you aren't sure how to best clean it, ask a DM or host to show you.
- Pay attention to the schedule and the space, and fit into what's available. If it's close to closing time, keep any play short and light. If something is planned for entertainment or something, don't compete with that; play before or after.
- Some scenes don't necessarily look like scenes. If you see a few people practicing rope together, they might be teaching/learning, but they might be starting a scene. Someone bootblacking might just be cleaning leather, but they might be in a scene. If you're not sure, stay out of their space.
- If you are planning a loud scene with pain cries or frantic sex or whip cracks, or maybe a teaching scene with lots of talking, don't locate your scene next to one that's already begun that looks quiet and sensual.
- Think about what you'll need to keep your space clean and what you'll need for aftercare. Instead of running around after the scene while trying to take care of each other, have it ready and at hand. If you think there's even the tiniest chance that a tarp might be needed, tarp it off. Use more tarp than you think you need. Have a blanket and some water ready for after the scene.
- A quick way to a black mark on your reputation in the community is to walk away from a restrained bottom. Never ever leave someone who is restrained - you should always be within arms' length if they are at all prevented from full movement.
Once your scene has reached its intended peak, you don't just stop cold turkey. Like cooling off after exercising, or cuddling up after sex, there's a cooldown period that may be similar to the warm-up period. Gradually use gentler implements and slow down the processing of sensations. Touch all those ouchy spots again, and savor the heat coming off of them (this is also a chance to see if any first aid might be needed - maybe a bandaid, or some massage oil to soothe the spot). Mentally prepare yourself and your partner for coming to the end of the scene.
Possibly during the main part of the scene, but even more likely during the cooldown, one or both partners may find some headspace. They may become mentally 'fuzzy' or 'floaty', or maybe just very giggly or extremely turned on. This is chemically fairly similar to being drunk or high. Which means that the partner hitting that headspace is in a vulnerable state - this is not the time to discuss anything outside what was previously negotiated. Both tops and bottoms can get spacey, though hopefully only one at a time, so that the other can be responsible! Everyone's headspace is a little different, and there's no guarantees that it will happen at all. But if your partner is extremely pleasant and happy, enjoy it with them, and look after them.
After all actual play has stopped, it's time to spend some time together enjoying the good feelings you've created in each other. You'll do some aftercare immediately, with more following later, depending on the needs of the people involved. Some people like or need a lot of aftercare, while others want very little. This is something to cover in negotiations. If there's a mismatch, you might even call in a person not involved in the scene to 'pinch-hit' for aftercare.
Immediately after the scene, partners need to take care of each other. Part of this is also resetting the connection they've shared back to a more usual state. Bottoms often undress to play, and they may become cold very quickly once everything stops. Be sure to get clothes or a blanket on them to keep their body temperature up. Many people want to cuddle with the person they just played with. This is a chance for Tops to tell their Bottoms they did a great job taking whatever they just did, and a chance for Bottoms to reassure their Tops that they enjoyed the scene and the Top isn't a horrible person for being so mean. This can really be important for new tops, to know that enjoying hurting someone isn't a bad thing. Getting some water intake after a scene is a great way to help your body and mind reset, too. And many people need to go to the bathroom after a scene. If first aid is needed, taking care of that now is good, while they are still feeling good.
Later, after cleanup is handled, partners may want to stay nearby for a while, continuing to enjoy the bond they've made during their scene. Smokers may want to go have a cigarette. Many people need to get a bite of sugar or protein to help restore them. And lots more cuddling and talking about the scene they just had or about other things will help with resetting, too. Players may also want to exchange phone numbers so they can follow up with one another during the next couple of days.
Unfortunately, what does up, does often come back down. After having a big scene and creating all kinds of chemical happiness, your brain and body may have some withdrawal reaction later - we call this drop. Drop can happen almost immediately after a scene, but typically strikes over the next two or three days, and can take many forms:
- A Top may feel guilty for having inflicted pain on someone (even if they wanted it).
- A Bottom may feel 'wrong' for having enjoyed the degradation inflicted on them.
- A player may be depressed and feel unwanted.
- A Bottom may gleefully show off marks and be hurt if others aren't as thrilled about them.
- A Bottom may have more soreness than expected and have negative feelings about that.
- A player may feel helpless to help their partner deal with drop.
All of these feelings are perfectly normal, and should go away after some time passes. Taking care of yourself is the best way to help them pass. Have that extra chocolate - and drink some extra water with it. Don't skip any meals or sleep. Physical activity will help - sex counts. Contact the person you played with or other kinksters for support and reassurance. Recognizing that you're dropping is sometimes the most important part for getting through it.
But before you can get to the next day's aftercare and drop, remember to clean up after your scene. Both partners are responsible for cleaning up themselves and their own toys. You can clean up the space you used together, or whoever is the most able can do it - or have their sub do it, if that's an option. Regardless, leave the space clean and ready for the next people that want to play there. If you're playing in a public space and you aren't sure how to best clean it, ask a DM or host to show you.
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Thank you for reading through this presentation. If you have comments, suggestions, questions, or corrections, please leave a comment, or you can email me at meronym@myself.com or send me a fetmessage on FetLife. You may link this presentation anywhere it may be useful for educational purposes (no media).
Thank you for reading through this presentation. If you have comments, suggestions, questions, or corrections, please leave a comment, or you can email me at meronym@myself.com or send me a fetmessage on FetLife. You may link this presentation anywhere it may be useful for educational purposes (no media).
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