Making a Safe Call

In several of my classes, we talk about using a Safe Call when appropriate. But what is a Safe Call, when is it appropriate, and how do you go about setting one up?

In vanilla dating, especially for women, there's already a safe-call concept. If you have a date starting at 8pm, you might have a friend plan to call you at 8:45, so that if things aren't going well, you have an excuse to cut things off because of something that has come up. But in the kink world, we take that concept and flesh it out a bit more, applying consent, privacy, and safety concepts as our community usually regards them.

In most cases, you'll never have a situation where a Safe Call was actually needed. But the very act of setting up and negotiating a Safe Call will put safety in everyone's mind and prevent possible issues.

Who Needs a Safe Call?

Anybody involved a kink-play or dating event should consider using a Safe Call. Man or woman or non-binary, top or bottom, dom or sub, a Safe Call is for anyone who could find themself in an unexpected situation where something has gone out of their own control. 

When Do I Need a Safe Call?

You won't feel a Safe Call to be necessary in every situation, but it's nice to have the protocol planned out for when you do want it. Generally, I'd recommend using a Safe Call in any situation where you are going to a non-public place with someone you don't know well, especially someone who is not a well-known member of your community and friends circle.

You should think about using a Safe Call:

• if you might be restrained in any way (please don't do bondage on your first private date with someone)
• if you will be playing in private without people around (play in public first, if you have a public play-space available)
• if you don't know your play partner well (you are trusting this person with your safety)
• if your play partner is not well-known in the community ('he said'/'she said' situations do happen)
• if you will be playing in a remote area away from other people (cars break down, injuries happen)
• if either of you has health concerns that could incapacitate you (a top with a heart condition)
• if you've seen any kind of red-flag concerns about this person or situation (just to be sure)
• if there are concerns about you that you'd like to address (talking about the safe-call points out your safety-mindedness)
• if your partner is new to kink-play (set a good example so they can learn to follow it)
• if either of you are nervous about the situation in any way (safety plans help everyone relax)

If you're going to be at a public playspace (and remain there), around other people who are kink-aware, you probably don't need a Safe Call. If you've known everyone involved for a while, and other people you trust know them as well, you might not need a Safe Call. But you should still make sure someone responsible knows who you'll be with and where, just in case. 

But let's imagine a worst-case scenario... this person you're planning to play with is a complete psycho, but they've hidden it from everyone, and they plan to do terrible things to you - not the things you're planning on. How long will it be before someone realizes you haven't safely returned from your play-date? So let's take some (probably unnecessary) precautions so that everyone involved can relax and enjoy whatever you're both planning together.

Who is Your Safe Call Person (SCP)?

The first thing you'll need for a Safe Call is a responsible friend. Someone who will take the responsibility seriously, and will react appropriately if something happens. This needs to be someone you trust with the details of what kinds of things you're doing, which means a family member is often not the right person, if they aren't aware you're kinky or can't handle details of your sex life. Someone familiar with the kind of risks you might be taking is a better choice. But this should also be someone who knows you outside of kink-life. They'll need to know personal details about you, should they need to communicate to authorities on your behalf. Being a Safe Call could potentially out them, as well, so talk it over with them first. And this needs to be someone who, in an emergency, will remain calm and take appropriate action, not fail to take things seriously or panic and make a big deal over nothing.

Setting up a Safe Call Protocol

Once you've talked to a friend about being your SCP, even before you set up a kinky date, there's some information they need to know about you. Some of the initial information they ought to have:

• your full legal name, home address, and driver's license number - a photo of your driver's license works
• your license plate number and make and model of your vehicle - a photo of the back of your car might be helpful
• your cell phone number, if they don't already have it (if you text them the prior two pictures, you're set)
• your scene name, in case they need to contact someone else in the community for you
• any medical issues that could be a problem for you or that should be given to authorities
• for worst-case scenarios, a list of tattoos and other identifying marks

You may want to set up a phone tracking app that will allow you to check on each other's location. My family uses Life360, but there are many apps out there. You should also investigate what SOS options your phone has - it may be able to send your GPS location, an audio recording, and photos in response to a rapid button push or something similar. Here's a couple of links that are relevant as of the writing of this (but test and confirm before relying on it).

• For Galaxy - https://youtu.be/A2NihdPzD8g
• For iPhone - https://youtu.be/vHUkL9lXpaU

Setting Up the Date

After you set up a date, part of your pre-negotiation will be to tell your partner you're setting up a Safe Call, and invite them to exchange information with you so that they can set one up, too. After all, they are taking the same risks with you that you are taking with them. You may have already exchanged some of this information while checking references on this person before agreeing to play. 

The way your prospective partner reacts to the request to set up Safe Calls may also give you a better feel for them. If they balk at exchanging this information, they could just be very private - or they could be intending to do you harm. If they are happy to cooperate with you on this, then you might feel more comfortable trusting them. If they are resistant to having your SCP have all this information, you could record it all, then seal it all in an envelope that's 'just in case'.

Get as much of this information as possible from them (and give them yours in exchange):

• a photo of them, their full legal name, address, and driver's license number - a picture of their driver's license works
• license plate number and make of your vehicle - a picture of the back of their vehicle works
• their scene name and cell phone number
• any relevant medical issues they may have, in case of medical emergencies
• their emergency contact person, just in case - which should probably be their SCP
• where you plan to meet - which needs to be a public place if possible, and any other locations you intend to go to

Then it's time to contact your SCP and let them know about it. Make sure they are available to keep a phone nearby that day. If they aren't, you may need to set up a different SCP, or reschedule your date. Give them the information on your partner and make sure their information on you is up-to-date, then go over the plans below with them. Also find the phone number for any places you'll be.

On Date Night

When the date night arrives, you guessed it, more information needs to be exchanged. Before you head out the door, send your SCP a selfie that shows what you are wearing. Also, make sure your phone is charged up so you can reach each other.

When you meet up with your date/play partner, mentally check off  the information you've already gotten on them. Are you where your SCP expected you to be? Do they look like the picture you had? Even better, get a picture together with them and send to your SCP - it will have what you both are wearing, your surroundings, and possible people in the background - and the photo metadata will have your location, too.

Then enjoy your time together. If you get in a car, make sure it's your car or the car you had a photo of, or send a new photo with the license plate showing. If you go somewhere other than where you met, text your SCP where you're headed, and when you arrive. If you're going to a hotel, send a picture of the room key or number, something that shows the hotel's name.

Check-Ins

When setting things up with your SCP, decide on a few times for check-ins. If you have an 8 pm date, maybe you plan to check in at 10 pm and midnight. If you plan to play somewhere from 7-9 pm, maybe plan a check-in for around 7 pm, just before you start, and then another after you've finished and had some aftercare, maybe 10 pm. And then you'll check in again just before you leave, and when you've gotten home and are safely in your house with the door locked behind you.

You decide what's appropriate timing, but then set alarms in your phone for those times. And at each of those times, you call your SCP and let them know how it's going. Always call; a text isn't good enough. Because someone else could text from your phone; they need to hear your voice.

You should have discussed ahead of time how your SCP should handle it if you don't call on time. How long should they wait to hear from you before they call you, and then call your date if you don't answer? How long can you be out of contact before they call the hotel (or wherever you're at), or call the police? Which authorities are appropriate to call? 

When you do call, your SCP may help remind you of boundaries you've set. If you promised you wouldn't stay overnight, then your SCP is expecting to hear from you when you leave, and again when you get home. But don't make them be your conscience; stick to the plan.

You should also discuss, prior to the date, a few codes for checking in. These should be things that sound like normal things to say. And you can say them when you're doing your scheduled check-in, or if you call to tell your SCP that plans have changed.

• one for 'everything really is great' - give them a greenlight code
• one for 'I'm not feeling good about this, and need you to take action' - this is whatever action you've agreed upon earlier. Maybe it's 'wait ten minutes and call me back with a fake emergency I need to leave for'. This is a 'yellow' situation.
• one for 'I'm in danger and can't tell you this, but call the hotel or the police to come check on me immediately.' This is analogous to  'calling Red' in a scene.

For my Safe Calls, I'll use plain language for the greenlight, or if they ask for confirmation, I'll mention chocolate. "Yes, I'm having a great time. I'll tell you about it tomorrow over, with some hot chocolate!" For my yellow, I'll set up something that just sounds weird if you know me, like, "I can't wait for you to come over to plant flowers tomorrow" - weird, because I don't do any gardening. And for my red, emergency, code, we could use something like, "Would you make sure the cat's been fed, since I won't be home until late?" I don't have a cat, and I'm very allergic to them - cats are my safeword in this situation. (Obviously, I'll use something different from these in a real situation, since I assume anyone I play with might have read this.)

Don't make it hard on your SCP - stick to the plan. And let your play partner or date know what the plan is, so they know that when your alarm goes off, you're due to check in. A responsible safe person will enable that check-in, for your safety and theirs.