Finding Your Limits

When I teach my basics classes, especially Dungeon Essentials, we'll talk about limits, and I'll go around the room asking attendees to volunteer their Soft and Hard Limits. There are two answers I always hope to get..

"I don't have any limits."

That's when I offer to grab the giant bolt cutters and ask which toe they'd like to have removed; suddenly, they have limits. 'No Limits' is a very appealing idea for someone who is new, often with the intention of meaning, 'I trust you to be reasonable.' But you can't put the whole burden on your play partner, especially since you don't know what my version of 'reasonable' might be. You need to have an idea of what you do and don't want to do. But that often leads to the other favorite answer...

"I don't know what my limits are."

Now THAT's a legit answer, and what the first person probably meant. That's a great answer; it means it's time for some introspection, and studying, and probably some experimentation. Learning about what you want to do, as well as what you DON'T want to do, is a very important part of getting ready to play, long before you actually talk to a prospective partner about playing.

Sometimes you figure out your limits by just feeling your reaction to the idea. "Oh, no, I don't like that idea." LIMIT. Sometimes you study up on a kind of play and decide that it isn't right for you, or isn't right for you right now. LIMIT. You might be in a relationship that puts restrictions on what you will and won't do with that partner or with others. LIMITS. And sometimes you find a limit by doing the thing, and realizing later that it's not a good thing for you to do. LIMIT. And limits change over time. Your limits today might be your favorite activities in a few years, or vice versa.

Also, in that first 'no limits' situation... It's important when teaching to be prepared for any answer in a live discussion. So what happens when I grab the bolt cutters and ask them to pick their least-favorite toe, and they do? Well, that's when I, as the possible Top in this scene, use my own safeword ability. Because I have a Hard Limit against engaging in amputations, so I get to decline to go through with it. Yes, Tops get to have Limits and Safewords, too.